Me: That’s pretty sus
12yo: Never say that again
Me: Why?
12yo: It sounded weird when you said it
Me:
12yo:
Me: Your rules are sus
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I would rather lie there and accept death than try to get out of a hammock while anyone is watching me.
Right before I left the house my wife asked me if I filled out my organ donor information and now I’m hesitant to start the car.
“How am I driving?”
No seriously, how did I get here. This isn’t my car.
When you’re anti-social, knowing you’re not alone is both comforting and disconcerting.
Serious Question: Can I get a moustache by kissing another guy with a moustache?
When in doubt, ignore an unknown number on your mobile, never hit Reply All, and always wear clothes when you step out of your house.
why would anyone want a baby? it’s just another thing you have to clean
Him: We have made it completely idiot proof
Me: Stand aside and let a professional determine that
That awkward moment when you look over to give another driver a condescending look criticizing their driving and you nearly wreck and die.
The biggest takeaway from listening to hundreds of podcasts is if you’re rich enough, you can get away with murder.
The 80’s called and they want you to stop saying they called.
gas pump: see attendant
me: looks like i no longer need gas
Have a lovely day 😊
Me: I want to come back as ghost and haunt you.
Her: Oh no.
Me: I’ll make weird noises in the night.
Her: You already do that.
*walks in restroom reading phone*
*opens stall door & starts peeing*
Guy (pooping while staring at his phone): DUDE, WHAT THE…
they say plastic straws are ruining the ocean, so i’ve started throwing mine in the garbage instead
Regular clock: Hey bruh, what’s up? It’s 3:30pm.
Grandfather clock: GET OFF MY LAWN, AND NO, I WON’T TELL YOU THE TIME!!
*drifts off into a nap*
You give me that many goddamn birds for one f****** holiday and I’m grilling the shit out of them. Lemon pepper turtle doves, anyone?
Today my toddler is crying because he doesn’t have his stuffed animal. That he put in the fridge. And yelled at me for trying to take it out.
Hate eating nachos with someone at the theater and our fingers touch. Especially if I don’t know them, and they don’t know we’re sharing.
Communication during co-parenting is essential.
My kids are now getting a total of 22 phone chargers in their stockings.
TEACHER: can anyone tell me what ostracized means?
ME: *hand up*
TEACHER: again, it’s not a workout video for ostriches.
ME: *hand down*
me: “spends hours with my favourite person”
me as soon as they leave:
My Guy
My child had pancakes and syrup for breakfast so I guess I’ll be sticking to my furniture for the next week
I always take a fully loaded paintball gun to my psychiatric evaluations because even when I fail, it’s going to be with flying colors.
It might be time to diet when you ask Siri to call your ” boyfriend” and she dial’s up Domino’s pizza
“Four more years! Four more years! Four more years!” The parole board chants, as I enter my hearing. This was not a good sign.
When does CPR become necrophilia?
You politely tap a jogger with your car one time, and suddenly you get labeled a hero.