Me: “Would you like to go on a date?”
Her: “Yes”
Me: “Yeah, it’s cool, I was kind of kidding anyway.”
“Wait, what?!”
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“I see you’ve been eating whatever you want and not exercising.” -Clothes
[at the park with my husband and children]
Stranger: You have a beautiful family
Me: *thinking of my Sims* Yes, thank you, I’m very proud
12: My favorite band is Green Day
Grandpa: Who the hell is green dog?
Me: Clifford’s cousin
My parents: “the virus cannot survive in hot places so you need to periodically gargle boiling water and run a hairdryer at your throat”
Me: “…how did you raise me without killing me”
John Wick: contract killer
John Wink: lady killer 😉
Sure, Billy Joel can make love to his tonic and gin but when I do it, I get a PH imbalance and a lifetime ban from my favourite bar.
It still bothers me that airplanes aren’t called skyscrapers
[explaining fingernails to an alien]
ME: like little bones that grow out of our hands.
ALIEN: ok, that sounds fake, but ok.
At first you don’t succeed, destroy the paper trail saying you tried.
when swimming in the ocean always wear a hat so you don’t get sharks in your hair
Two things you need to know about me:
1. I am hung over.
2. Sometimes I say the word over for no reason.
Me: I will not be tricked into buying stuff I don’t need.
Ad: Buy 4, get one free.
Me: I’ll take 10 then.
Computer problems can be solved with duct tape if you apply it directly to the mouth of the person asking you to help fix their computer.
Son: This kid at school says really mean things to me
Me: I’ll have a word with him[Later]
Son: How did it go, Dad?
Me [trying to hide my red eyes] do you think I look like a potato?
When I go to the movies alone, I take a clipboard so everyone thinks I’m a professional movie reviewer and not an awkward friendless loner.
please please tell me that benedict cumberbatch’s middle initial is Q
The only Plato I care about is a big Plato spaghetti
I would steal more cars if only folks left their keys behind the sun visor like in the movies DAMN.
*wife sees me crying*
Her: What’s going on?
Me: The kids gave me this
*holds up Dad Is #1 mug*
W: That’s sweet
H: Sweet? They think I’m pee!
Hormones are cool if you like crying during dog food commercials.
Just ordered a chicken and an egg from Amazon.
Will keep you posted.
Comets are just rocks that are like really really mad at you.
Boss: Where were you on Friday?
Me: It was a holiday.
Boss: HALLOWEEN IS NOT A PAID HOLIDAY!
Me: It is if you go as Christmas.
Boss:…
WAITER: Your meal comes with three sides.
ME (imagining a delicious triangle): Excellent.
God: you’re a parrot.
Parrot: ok.
God: you can repeat everything you hear.
Parrot: humans are the worst.
God: uh what?
Parrot: i’ll prolly kill them in a flood soon.
God:
Parrot:
God: what’s it gonna take to keep this quiet?
Parrot: I wanna live in a tropical paradise.
Who called it a baby playpen and not a crawl space?
c’mon!
Son: I need a suit for Pledge Night at the Fraternity.
Me: I’ll take you suit shopping.
[suit shopping]
Me [realizing the cheapest suit is $700]: Can’t you just wear a toga?
A lady on NextDoor just asked for a pet psychic that could really blow her mind and honestly, stay gold NextDoor.
Friend: Ugh, this is going to cost an arm & a leg.
Me: *pats backpack* I’ve got you covered. The hospitals just throw these things out.