how are we gonna sell our car this year? how about a commercial where the car is driving around on roads. great work everyone time for lunch
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Sober or not if a cop ask me to recite the alphabet backwards I’ll just put myself in the back seat of their car.
Me: *gestures to the bellhop to take my bags to my room*
Vanilla Ice: Yo man, I don’t work here
M: *slips him a five*
VI: Right away sir
*Godzilla screeching in pain as he accidentally steps on Legoland*
Me: You’re adopted
Ted: What? How long have I been a dop
If I’m reading their lips correctly, my neighbors are arguing about some creepy guy next door.
Kids today dont know how good they have it, with their tablets and iPads. When I was their age all I had was lice.
Those “free hugs” people sure do get upset when you ask them what $20 will get you.
My phone refuses to recognize that Transatlanticism is a word. Do you know how hard it is to get through that word without predictive text. And I talk about Transatlanticism a LOT
Impress your date by eating your mashed potatoes with both hands.
[arriving in hell]
him: so what did you do?
me: *wearing a v neck t-shirt under a v neck pullover* no idea
Why pink camo? Do people hunt barbie jeeps or try to sneak up on pepto bismol?
Parish Council to all moorside residents –
Once again: the nightly screams beyond the high cottages are foxes. They aren’t the result of werewolf activity. Stop spreading this silly idea. This is 2020. You should all know werewolves prefer to strike before their prey screams.
Tell your household jumble of working & non working miscellaneous cables I said hi
I got the words yakuza and jacuzzi confused the other day.
Now I’m in hot water with the Japanese mafia.
That awkward moment when you realize your wife’s funeral is turning into a sausage-fest.
They built a huge, ugly thought-control tower right next to my house but actually I love it so much
I mentioned to my wife that her lingerie is quite revealing…
and she replied, “Well, then wear your own!”
The forecast isn’t calling for rain so I’m just going to wash my car to prove the weatherman wrong
Whoever named snakes did a great job. Those things are definitely snakes.
I keep seeing studies finding fecal matter on things. Anyone considered that perhaps it’s the scientists that aren’t washing their hands?
Not sure where your kids are? Make a phone call. They’ll be in your face in no time.
Me *pointing gun* give me all your money
Bank teller: um that’s a water pistol
Me *aiming at her mouth* I’ve filled it with La Croix
Bank teller: you want it in 20s or
“You probably can’t even tell, but there was an incident with the shower curtain”
[at restaurant]
Table for two please.
“Do you have reservations?”
Yes, this place looks like a dump but I’m hungry.
Carol got out of the car with a box of donuts, so helped her carry them in, who said chivalry is dead.
The wife always talks to herself in the shower. She says that’s how she plans her day.
Don’t like eavesdropping. Just wanna make sure she’s not leaving us.
*my teenage sons being loud, laughing, making inappropriate jokes*
Me: SHHHH! The windows are open & the neighbors are outside!
Son: Well, I’m a little offended they haven’t laughed yet.
Biden: I wanna join the protest.
Obama: Joe, we’ve been over this.
Biden: But they’re–
Obama: How about some ice cream?
.
.
.
Biden: Okay.
they should invent a romcom where no one has to overhear anything that leads to a huge unnecessary misunderstanding
One day, I hope to give someone a small, very personal item and then gently close their fingers over it