Oh wow, I didn’t recognize you with a nose.
Me, meeting anyone from instagram.
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If I were the tooth fairy I wouldn’t leave any cash, just a note that says I’VE TAKEN YOUR TEETH
Just call and I’ll be there.
*Turns phone off*
[trying to convince this girl we should be together using a poem I found online] every time you see the word horse replace it with your name
Decided to stop saying “please subscribe” in my videos and it’s working. No new subscribers.
she kept her secret snacks under the false bottom of a vintage hat box behind the old hoover vacuum in the guest bedroom closet…amateur
“They’re probably more afraid of you than you are of them,” I say, as a snarling pack of wolves attacks my friend Jeff
what if you thought you had met your soul mate but then you saw them put mayonnaise on a hotdog
Beauty & the Beast is my favorite movie because I like books & starting the day with a song about how my neighbors are idiots.
At the pool, putting on sunscreen, kinda feelin myself for the first time in a long time…
11, “Make sure you get the sunscreen on all your places because you are really, really pale and there’s a lot of places.”
I gave my dog a bath about an hour ago and you should SEE the glares I’m getting
Why roboticize vacuuming? It’s all instant gratification. It’s the crack of cleaning.
I’ve slept with enough babysitters to know how to raise a kid thanks mom
I stopped smoking cigarettes six years go.
I eat them now.
I thought I stepped on a Lego, but thankfully, it was just a rusty old nail.
5 just handed me the household nunchucks and said, “here, you’re in charge now.”
What my girlfriend thought, first 4 dates:
1. Nice shirt.
2. Wow. A second nice shirt.
3. Okay, first shirt again.
4. He has two shirts.
People with stick figure families on their car: Oh look how cute we are!
Criminals: I’ll need 3 rolls of duct tape.
“Hola! I’m Señor Coconut, children”
[cracks head on the pavement. Children scream]
“Drink me. Drink me. I’m full of vitamins and minerals”
Make a birthday wish for mutant lung power then blow away your cake, your party guests, your house, car, trees, etc.
Sorry, your invitation got lost in the trash.
guy inventing constellations: see that square? it’s a fish
“Be there in 5,” I text, though I am 30 minutes away, completely nude, and engaged in a fist fight with a neighbor.
cooks vegan zuchinni alfredo for dinner (evolved). follows it up with fistfuls of shaved parm straight out of the tub (caveman brain)
Just asked my husband if he wants to have sex. He said no and went back to his puzzle. Good to know I sill got “it”.
One day my daughter will walk into the kitchen when I’m sneak-eating cookies and there will be a reckoning
Dietest Coke
I just bought one share of stock. I’m a finance bro now.
when you smoosh the tiny bar of soap into the big bar of soap and make them one soap
Do all gothic horror stories have to be in ancestral family homes? I am too poor for generational hauntings.