So You Think You Can Peel A Kiwi
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The worlds largest aircraft prototype is called the Air Lander 10. The helium pumped hybrid aircraft consists of an airplane, airship and helicopter built all in one.
bill nye is short for william new year’s eve
*first date*
Guy: I like when a girl has curvesMe, taking off my Spanx: behold
BOSS: Show the new guy around.
(Hours Later)
NEW GUY: I think the boss meant around the office.
ME: *holding my model planes* You don’t like my house?
I really wish they had told me this before I got to the morgue
Someone just called my phone, sneezed and then hung up.
I’m getting sick and tired of these cold calls.
Ghost: GET OUT
Me: Or what?
Ghost: I’ll close a cupboard loudly and tip over a cup. I have all the powers of a three year-old that has access to a ladder
I’m so sick of everyone asking if I *really* hate my kids. They’re just jokes, people. Annoying, inconvenient jokes who are ruining my life.
I just accidentally said “I love you” when hanging up with the auto shop guy, so I’m just going to leave my car there and buy a new one
You’re like a semicolon. I’m not sure exactly what to do with you.
I only eat people when they’re cooked properly. I’m not a savage.
Something good is coming my way I can feel it. Nothing life changing, probably just a hotdog
God please let it be a hotdog
If it takes 13 muscles to smile and 33 to frown, how do we tell if someone’s happy and not just lazy?
“Good parenting isn’t giving your kid everything she needs, but giving her the tools to get it for herself” I say, handing my 6yo a crossbow
Stick with me and you’ll go places.
None of them good, but still.
The best thing about coming from a big family is being able to talk louder than normal people.
When donuts appear in the breakroom. We cut one in half. We eat half. We return to the breakroom five minutes later and eat the other half. It is the way of our people.
me: “that sounds terrifying”
waitress:
me:
waitress: “what sounds terrifying?”
my wife: “he thinks you said ghost cheese not goats cheese”.
therapist: *holds up inkblot test* what do u see
me: a therapist with no professional boundaries shoving their shitty art into my face
therapist: please take this seriously.
me: ok it’s a car
therapist: no it’s us holding hands :/
That moment when Exam Invigilator looks at your answer sheet and address whole class
“Students, please make sure that you are reading the questions carefully”
It was hard getting over my addiction to the Hokey Pokey.
But I’ve turned myself around and that’s what it’s all about.
Rubbing coffee grounds on your body makes your skin glow but it also gets you kicked out of Starbucks.
Her: I want you to dress up as your biggest fear this year.
Me: Ok, but how do I make a costume out of you finding my unlocked phone?
The hairdresser asking me what special plans I have for the day like this wasn’t it
Have no idea why I consider this *so* hilarious. But I do. 🤣🤣🤣
Me: guess who I bumped into at the store
My wife: [holding my glasses] everyone
*spits out mouthful of peacock feathers* I’m sorry, I thought these were for just anyone to eat. *gets escorted from zoo*
The lady in the spice commercial was haphazardly pouring her vanilla extract. Do you know how much vanilla extract costs, lady?
My hair is 100% organic, but it has been tested on animals. Portions may have been used to drape over cats’ heads to make little wigs.
Marriage is pretty great except for the part where you have to learn how to read minds.