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Elba: Bond. James Bond.
Villain: yeah but where are you ACTUALLY from though?
Beware of girls like Princess Peach. She seems cool at first but she ends up in some other dude’s castle far too often to be a coincidence.
I’ve requested to be buried in a spring loaded casket filled with confetti so that a future archeologist will have one awesome day at work.
me: “okay I might as well just say it..I love you”
girl dinosaur: “omg u have no idea how long I’ve waited for u to say that!”
*meteorite*
I’m creating an “OnlyDans,” where Dans get together to complain about being called “Dan the man, Daniel-san” and “Danny Boy” our whole lives.
The doctor asked if I was sexual active.
I shook my head and said “Not in front of the wife”.
Clerk: What do you do at work?
Me: Write stupid jokes on Twitter.
Clerk: You can get paid for that?
Me: Hell no. That’s why I do it at work.
my daughter just died of embarrassment when i accidentally appeared for two-tenths of a second in the background of her class zoom meeting. please respect my family’s privacy during this difficult time.
The UPS guy never wants to wrestle so I’m thinking about trying FedEx.
I only have sex with the lights off to prevent having to explain some of my tattoos.
My obsession with building townhouses is going to give me a complex one of these days.
[commercial for pants] Is your underwear cold?
I’m going to be a piñata for Halloween: nearly broke & full of candy
3: mommy! Come look, I made a water fall
Me: oh dear god
it’s may 17. what’s next? may 18? i didn’t sign up for this
Can I come over. I got the zoomies and you have an open floor plan
Detective: Did your husband have any enemies, ma’am?
Wife: Well, the cat next door never really liked Jim, and that always seemed a bit odd.
If you would have told me when I started this account that my dumb parenting jokes would eventually lead to a dream job writing for a Netflix series, I would’ve said that was crazy. Fast forward to today, and I can confirm that it’s crazy. Nothing remotely like that has happened.
Morning breath so strong I should ask it to help me move into my new apartment this weekend
I’m starting yoga today and If my body isn’t perfect by noon, I’m quitting.
I refuse to have sex with a condom. Last time I had sex with a condom, the condom never called me again.
Letting the grocery bagger bring my groceries out sounds nice but I can’t handle trying to remember where I parked in front of a stranger.
Dear commercial pitching me how much my funeral will cost,
It’s not going to cost ME anything.
[on a speed date]
(okay don’t let her know you’re a zombie)
“so, what do you like best in a woman?”
BRAAAIIINNNSS
Mans got denied a plate and walked off. 😂😂😂
As Caesar dies on the Senate floor, ‘With or Without You’ starts to play. “U2, Brutus?” He sighs, coughing wearily as the world fades away.
Therapists listen to anything you wanna say. The other day I was like “there is so much hair in the world and I feel like we could be doing something powerful with it but the hairdressers won’t comply” and my therapist just nodded
one time my cousin greg put on two jean jackets and he exploded, there was mustache everywhere
*taps on a super old dude’s oxygen tank* you know that you can get this stuff for free right