*passes thru suburbs* roll up ur window, son. this is a bad neighborhood. this is where ppl who comment on newspaper articles live
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Fun idea! Complimentary deodorant with each transit fare purchase.
[The inventor of the hot air balloon]
You know what we need under this hot blazing fire, a wicker basket
Her: could things get any worse?
Me: *adds raisins* there you go.
Me: Like that time in Harry Potter Revenge of the Fallen when the wizard becomes a Camaro
Pal: I think you mean…
Me: Dumblebee, yes, I know what I mean. So, anyway…
interviewer: where do you see yourself in five years
me: you handing me an nda and a big pay out to walk away
friend: i would kill for a burrito right now
me: *who really really hates his coworker randal* interesting. tell me more
Son: I still dont get why people marry.
Me: Well son, when a man & woman love each other very much they make a series of horrible decisions
You might be “street-smart” but you’re “everywhere-else-stupid”.
Exactly like a tissue box dispenser, except for cold cuts.
“Go ahead, caller. . .”
“Yes, hello. My dog dug up a femur and I’d like to make soup. Would you suggest carrots or potatoes?”
men invented arm wrestling so they could hold hands and look in each other’s eyes
Getting away with an expired coupon like, yes, I am a con artist.
No good deed goes unposted on social media.
Someone’s fallen Lord
Hashtag Lol
Someone’s fallen Lord
Hashtag Lol
Someone’s fallen Lord
Hashtag Lol
Oh Lord Hashtag Lol
In the beginning there was darkness.
Because my dad had gone around shutting off every light in the world to save energy.
“Pyromaniac” puts it strongly. I enjoy starting fires. It’s not my whole deal.
I gotta take better care of myself. Today at the park a guy asked me if I would pretend to be his son from the future to scare him into eating right.
Give a man fish and you’ll feed him for a day…… Give a fish a man and you’re probably in the Mafia
I will give Canada this. Their geese are hard to keep in a headlock.
Surprise your buddy by putting on clown makeup and dying in his attic.
She told me my analogies didn’t make any sense.
It seriously made me feel like a biscuit in an elevator.
I still can’t believe someone stole my neighbours wind chimes tomorrow morning
Why isn’t Missouri’s state motto “Missouri loves company” ???
T-Rex Dad: Today, I’m going to show you how to run after your meal.
T-Rex Teenager: But, if I run after a meal, won’t that upset my stomach?
T-Rex Dad: [Sigh] Our species is going to be SO extinct.
[At the gym before someone teaches me the word spotting]: “hey bro will you take care of me and protect me?”
*sees Jaws in my yard* we’re gonna need a bigger milkshake
[ancient greece]
teacher: what have you all chosen for your thesis
hippocrates: I’m laying the ground work for centuries of modern medicine
socrates: I am examining what it means to be
ptolemy: uh you guys ever uh notice how those stars look like a bear
Jury duty
[Burps] Wow, excuse me.
Judge: You’re excu-STOP THAT!
This day in history. 1976. 80-year-old choreographer Busby Berkeley died tragically when he wandered absently into a circle of high kicking showgirls.