If your one of those people whose not very good at grammar, that makes too of us.
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Why should I have to take a first aid course? Why is this on me? Why don’t you take a “how to eat sandwiches without choking” course?
I just found my new favorite conspiracy theory …
It’s funny how—especially in small towns—we think of lit porch lights as a symbol of welcoming. I leave mine on so the guy who paints himself purple won’t steal any more of my chairs.
[before sex]
ME: Did you notice I waxed?
WIFE: I wondered what happened to your eyebrows
angel: so this birth thing should probably be as simple as possible
god: yeah i was thinking we start with an army of tiny genetic ghost tadpoles that live in the balls
angel: ok first question why
god: wait i’m not finished
Man: a pack of condoms please.
Cashier: would you like a paper bag?
Man: no thanks, she’s pretty good looking.
I don’t understand why salads are seen as “dainty” food. I look more like a wild animal eating salad than literally anything else.
I like mascarpone cheese. It sounds like the sort of cheese that would have ruled organised crime in 1920’s Chicago with an iron fist.
Me: God grant me the serenity.
God: What was that? I couldn’t hear you over your screaming kids.
If someone says “long story short” two or more times in a conversation, punching them in the throat is acceptable.
Said the murderer.
fat and greedy, my favorite type of animal
I don’t mean to brag but I have the face of someone with a great personality
I don’t talk about my ex’s because I like to start of with a clean slate. That, and they’re dead to me. Well, to everyone, but mostly me.
*stares at phone for 3 hours*
*puts phone down, reads book for 5 minutes*
*glances up from book*
Wow, look at all these braindead fools glued to their phones
ㅤ A R G H
Pirate [▪️] [▪️] [▫️] [▫️]
Pain [▪️] [▪️] [▪️] [▪️]
Surprise [▪️] [▫️] [▫️] [▪️]
Silver [▪️] [▫️] [▪️] [▫️]
Fine I’ll bite, what’s this sex thing everyone keeps talking about?
Therapist: What’s your earliest memory?
Me: Crying to my mom when I couldn’t find my shoes
Therapist: So around what, five?
Me: Seven this morning
Teacher: Can anyone give me an example of guilty by association?
The Horse I rode in on: *Raises Hoof*
If George W. Bush was the president of France today, he would declare war on Finland.
OMG, you’re huge! There’s no way you’ll fit inside me.
– My clothes.
I thought getting old would include more naps, but I’m starting to suspect that old people only close their eyes to ignore everyone.
date: [pulls away from kissing] let’s move this to your bed
me: [sitting on a futon] you’re not gonna believe this
“Only real heroes run towards danger” I think to myself while hiding from my whining children.
Kid: How did you meet daddy?
Me: Well, it all started with a friendly game of spin the bottle at the family reunion…
me: *rubs lamp*
genie: I will grant you three wishes
me: can you go away I’m rubbing this lamp
(My kid looking over my shoulder as I sign an email.)
Kid: You’re not a Dr!
Me: YES I AM! What do you think I was studying for all the time when you were little?
Kid: Oh, I thought you just liked reading books and crying.
Date: “So, what do you want to be?”
Me: “Impressed.”
The baby of our family starts school next week. When he was 4 years old in Pre-K he had 6 older siblings in the same school. He is now the last one standing, entering high school. I asked if he was nervous and he said, “It’s taken a decade but I’m finally my own man.”
He’s 14.
You can tell by a woman’s feet how she feels about you. If they are behind her ears, she likes you.