Please don’t interrupt me when I’m trying to overhear something.
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Doctor: your husband is being treated by a team of ten strainers
Woman: you mean he’s
Doctor: yes, in ten sieve care
I just had a customer shout at me OVER THE SOUND OF THE FIRE ALARM that it didn’t sound “right” so they “legally” didn’t have to leave
Just once i want to meet this mythical “always right” customer I BEG
[Super Villain Team Tryouts]
COACH: Tell me what you can do
MAGNETO: I can manipulate metal
LOKI: I’m a god
THE PENGUIN (shoving his way to the front): I LIKE PENGUINS!
“Hello, can I speak to Mr Featherstonehaugh please?”
“How are you pronouncing that?”
“It doesn’t matter, this is a written joke”
I am grateful for the canned, boxed, frozen dinners my parents provided. BUT my favorite thing about having worked in kitchens for years and having the time and ability to cook great, from-scratch meals for my children is when they say, “Ugh! Can’t we just order pizza!?!”
All parents want is for our kids to go to bed so we can watch a show with bad words in it and eat the hidden snacks.
Fun Fact: the average group of 4 yr olds can take up to 7 years to break open a piñata.
starting an onlyfans but it’s just videos of me trying to use chopsticks
Standing outside your window holding an economy-size bottle of ibuprofen above my head.
Pinocchio would have been a way crazier story if he were a swordfish
I knew my ex gf was going to dump me so i set up a profile called “Add Profile” on her Netflix account and 3 yrs later i’m still watching
CW: Linda! Did you forget the boss is treating us to lunch today?
Me: *mouthful of food*
*blink blink* No I didn’t forget.
Arguing with guy at the bar and he claimed Wikipedia was an unreliable source, suggesting instead that I listen to him, a drunk guy at a bar
Me: Another one, barkeep! I’m not driving!
Bartender: *warily makes me a third ice cream sundae*
Haven’t seen Paranormal Activity 4 yet so PLEASE don’t tell me which lamp falls over.
Boss set out a bowl of hard candy in the break room, so I guess we had our Christmas party today.
HER: what’s your sign?
ME: i’m an asparagus
HER: you mean aquarius
ME: omg whatever, you’re such a caprisun
Someone broke in to my house and stole all my lamps. I know I should be upset, but I’m delighted.
most awkward objects to handle:
1. mattress
2. big sack of onions
3. dead guy rolled in a carpet
my glass coffin company “remains to be seen” is not doing as well as i thought it would.
HER: *Points to my dish* I’ll have what he’s having
ME:*Blocks plate w/ my arms* This is mine
H: No, I mea-
M:*To waiter* Tell her it’s mine
My personal history can best be understood as a series of catastrophes.
Guy sitting next to me on the plane is also scrolling twitter. Trying to scope out his @ so I can DM to ask if I can put my head on his shoulder for a nap.
My brain forces me to relive traumatic moments over and over and over and over, but it won’t tell me where I left my laptop charger.
“Honey, have you seen the baby? I haven’t seen the baby since I asked you to throw out the bath wat–OH DEAR GOD!!” – birth of an expression
I’m not asking for a lot, I just want someone down to earth that’s gonna touch me all over like my shower curtain does
see you in hell you stupid fruit
HAHA! Answer your phone silly. I called you like 18 times.
-I say as I climb through your window
Thank you. I am completely satisfied by your explanation and have no further questions.
– No child ever.
Me: Bob, it’s pronounced CHANGING, not a-changin’.
Bob Dylan: ?
Me: Can someone teach Bob to say CHANGE?
*David Bowie stands up*
Me: Not you