I love getting phone calls telling me I won a prize for a contest I didn’t enter 🙄
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This is the coolest video you will see today.
Wrote in my Gratitude Journal, like I do every day, that I’m particularly thankful for my Spite Journal, which now comprises several handsome volumes.
The closest I’ve ever come to winning anything was that time I got picked from a lineup at the station.
(Hugging)
Me: you smell good. Is that a new cologne?
Him: No, I dropped turkey gravy on my shirt earlier.
Me: That’s a good smell for you. Maybe try a white peppercorn version next time.
Him:
I’m in a really dark place. The hamsters powering my reading lamp unionized and went on strike.
So apparently they don’t count as sit-ups if you’re just trying to get out of bed. Shame, as this morning I did about 9
Brain: he must study-how?
*Hormones raise hand*
H: we could hit him with pimples, kill the social life?
B: *whispers*
It’s for his own good.
warning lights and gentle chimes are not enough, when my car is low on gas I need it to punch me in the face
First rule of robbing banks is you have to shout, “THIS IS A ROBBERY!” Otherwise they might think it’s a baptism.
I wonder if soap opera actors know how to carry on regular conversations in real life or if they’re just always saying part of a thought
little known fact: less famous brother, eustice wright, invented flying a spoon of vegetables into babies’ mouths
Being a parent is having your kid say “I went to school today and I didn’t even lose my donkey” and you know exactly what they mean
Monday: forearms
Wednesday: forearms
Friday: forearms
Sunday: forearms
–Popeye’s gym schedule
Twitter: Ed Asner died
Me: Aw that’s so sad. What a great actor
T: Betty White is trending
Me: AAAAAAAAAA!!
T: She’s fine
Me: Why would you do that?
Me: [gets coffee]
News: [election updates]
Me: [adds vodka to coffee]
Why do they say “character actress”? Is that to differentiate them from the all those actresses that only play walls and bits of furniture?
🎶 I’m a cat, boy / in a sealed box I hide / I’m Wanted / dead and alive!
– Bon Schröedi
The dog almost ate the bird tonight.
It was like a Dateline episode.“He kept to himself, but on the evening of June 6, he snapped.”
I’d enjoy therapy a lot more if it included cocktails and a light snack.
6yo’s can’t go to jail so I have no idea why this one’s refusing to drive me home from the pub.
my advice to anyone at an unpaid internship — steal from them. big stuff too. take the copier. roll it right onto the elevator.
Waiters who dont write stuff down—what do you win?
Every time I eat a cookie in bed, I imagine it screaming “I’M GONNA CRUMB” because I have something wrong with me
***BREAKING*** sneaky teens trying to buy booze severely misjudge their height – 300ft trenchcoat behemoth said to contain 57 people
If your wife is a school crossing guard, you’re missing a huge opportunity if you don’t tell people she’s into human trafficking.
My husband told me I cheated on him in his dream.
The best response was not “Was he hot?”
I know this now.
Oh sweet embrace of morning, envelope me in your welcoming arms & brightly shine on this glorious GODDAMMIT! WHO DIDN’T FLUSH THE TOILET?!
I don’t get it. EVERYTHING we do is for money. Why does society condemn it for sex? DAD: Um, okay. Maybe someone ELSE wants to say grace?
When your friend tells you she’s thinking about adopting and you get really disappointed when you find out she means a human.