I love lying on surveys. Your company is about to shit the bed so hard on its next marketing campaign
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If you want to stop being invited to the children’s birthday parties, buy all the littles an air horn for Christmas.
Take 9 seconds. Be this happy
I can’t be a sellout. I have no idea what anyone wants.
Dora the explorers parents don’t give any kind of shit about Dora. She’s 7 and she’s flying planes and shit to South America with a monkey!
INTERVIEWER: Where do you see yourself in five years?
ME: Probably my communication skills.
Cop: step out of the car please
Me: I picked a good day to wear my tap dancin’ shoes
waiter: need help with the menu?
me: yes, what’s this word here
waiter: the name of the restaurant, sir
me: and how is that prepared
I have an archaeology joke but nobody digs it.
I sign all anniversary cards with ‘Way to commit to the bit!’
just seen a tiktok where this girl asked her bf for pads with wings so he got her pads & 36 chicken wings 💀
My interior decorator quit on her first day on the job.
I told her to paint all the walls in my house to be green screens.
do weddings actually cost like $50,000 or is everyone lying for fun
Feeling so jealous of the students in stone age. They didn’t have to study history too much because nothing had happened yet.
“I can’t possibly lose this if I put it here” I say to myself before completely forgetting where here is
after my son won his soccer game, his teammate invited us over to celebrate. it was father, son, and the goalie host
WIFE: Who was at the door?
ME: More carol singers.
HER: What did they sing?
ME: Silent Night
HER: I hope you didn’t t-
ME: I twerked.
Me: How old is your daughter?
Her: She’ll be 4 next week.
Me: *audible sigh
(Slowly, emphatically): OK. But I asked how old is she… NOW.
I’m thinking about redesigning my house with a brand new family.
People found guilty of not using punctuation deserve the longest sentence possible.
Son: You act like the dog is better than me.
Me: Sit
*dog sits immediately*
*son hesitates and then sits*Me: I rest my case
*i drop my pen at work*
Guy who backpacked around Europe: that reminds me of this little village in the north of Romania
If you wanna be my lover
– I’m listening
You gotta get with my friends
– ….I’m listening
Parents are like “You left a gently used paper towel in your room over christmas. Do you need that? Want me to mail it?”
“Maybe I don’t need this second cup of coffee,” she said as she reached for the turkey gravy instead of the milk.
“…nevermind.”
Obstetrician who has taken up magic as a hobby: and what have we here? *pulls out baby after baby after baby after baby after baby…
Awkward=when autocorrect changes ‘sooner’ to ‘sober’ so email to 8 yr. old’s teacher reads “I apologize for not getting back to you sober”
Peppa Pig calls emergency cabinet meeting to decide how to respond to Kanye’s provocation,
Me: I’m here for Unreliable Club
Guy: The meeting was yesterday
Me: I know
Guy *under breath* holy shit this guy’s good
[working on a car]
me: this isn’t as easy as I thought
boss: get that desk off there
So I neutered my car yesterday
“You, what?”
Neutered my car
“…”
It’s another word for fixed
“I wish I never gave you that thesaurus”