Pro Tip: Make sure you wear your Fitbit on your dominant hand so you get credit every time you lift an ice cream cone to your mouth.
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her: what’s up
me: i’m just driving
her: cool where
me: in the front seat
her: no i mean what location
me: driver’s side
Bad luck, Atheists named Christian.
“This is literally the worst beer I’ve ever tasted.”
*finishes six pack*
I just want the confidence of a kohl’s cashier asking people if they’d like to save 35% off their total purchase by opening a kohl’s charge when said total is only $3.25…….
Jaws (1975): A shark is murdered on his vacation.
Me: Well, I lost 9 pounds.
Her: That’s great, hon! Where’s the baby?
Me: Let me repeat…
her: I like my men strong
me: *lifts-*
her: but sensitive
me: *-a puppy*
I’m trying to like people but boy oh boy do they make it hard.
I was thinking earlier that what I really need is someone who will ask me a few times a day if I’m hungry and if I am will just fix me food and make me eat it and then I realized I just invented moms
Reasons to not go camping No.154:
People in sleeping bags are the soft tacos of the bear world…
“I” before “E”, except after “C”. That’s an efficient rule. Very efficient. Yep…efficient.
I’ve stopped checking my bank account because ignorance is bliss and I deserve to be happy
LOL
When I asked for some alone time, I didn’t mean when I was bringing in the groceries.
Due to unforeseen circumstances, I will no longer be eating cheese I don’t remember putting in my purse
I know my computer doesn’t have a virus because I’ve never had an 8-bit skull and crossbones pop up onscreen laughing.
I pirated a movie yesterday…
I gave it 3.14 stars.
ME: Table…table doesn’t look great
JESUS: Through me you will have eternal life
ME: ok cool but you SPECIFICALLY said you were a carpenter
Me: Well done my good and faithful serpent
Wife: Do you have to say that every time you use the bathroom?
[college career fair]
Me: I cheated my way through school, lied to professors & learned nothing, FML
*CIA recruiter hires me on the spot*
no
Will I be able to follow Children of the Corn if I didn’t see the prequels, Babies of the Corn and Toddlers of the Corn?
me: wow, first you drew me a bath, now breakfast?
wife: you deserve this
me: and the toaster is steady on the edge of the tub like that?
wife: we’ll find out
Staying in all day, then being told by the delivery company that you were, in fact, not at home after all
[Driving w/date in car]
Date [turns radio to country]
Me [reaches over date, opens passenger door] This isn’t working. [Hits eject button]
Got banned for life from the vet’s for calling the person who operated on my cat a ‘furgeon’.
My dog understands four words: his name, food, outside and Antidisestablishmentarianism.
Omg, will you pick ONE name and stick with it ffs
– my dog
The rest of the world: It’s so hot I cooked an egg on the sidewalk!
Canadians: It’s so hot I had to put the margarine in the fridge!
Why are cops the only ones who get to go undercover? Why can’t a dentist? Coming soon, Undercover Dentist