My doctor told me I’ve been using Q-tips incorrectly. At least I think that’s what she told me. I couldn’t really hear her that well.
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Can’t, I’m in big trouble with the wife. I put chips and salsa out for family and friends and didn’t use a Thanksgiving dish.
Shake what your momma gave ya!
*shakes old decorative wreath*
(pine needles and holly berries go everywhere)
Every dog, in a previous life, has been murdered by a shoe.
My husband said he bought the toupée for me, but then got upset when I put it on. I dont get men.
I’m in a doctor’s office waiting room and there’s a People magazine on the table. I can’t believe Brad Pitt and Jennifer Aniston are getting a divorce.
One of my buddies lost his right arm in a car accident which is a huge bummer, so much money wasted on tattoos
A scary book should be called a boOoOok.
Unless you’re a female bat and you gave birth hanging upside down, I’m not interested in hearing about how your baby was born.
Always wear clean underwear, In case you are abducted by aliens
[drinking third bottle of smart water] when does this kick in
My apartment is a mess, I should move
If she steals your hoodie she likes you, if she steals your car she’s a thief
Do I just say yes or do I make my group hate me before we even begin this project
A rap battle but it’s just Keanu Reeves saying “Whoa” versus Owen Wilson saying “Wow.”
Ooh I do like a good funnel
Just got a splinter from a 100 year-old bed frame and damn that MFer was really playing the long game
Establish dominance on Halloween by eating your neighbor’s jack-o-lanterns.
SPOILER ALERT for “Finding Bigfoot” TV show – they don’t find him. Again.
When pigs fly they will have the most delicious wings.
I am convinced Americans are required by law to watch football. Ain’t no way this many people watch it all day long by choice
kid: dad, dad, dad I can do a magic trick, pick a card
*takes card*
kid: ok give it back and *shuffles* is this your card ?
no
is this your card ?
no
*27 cards later* is this your card ?
no…
4-year-old: *finds Nerf gun* Dad, I’ll shoot you!
*tries*
4: I can’t get it. Can you shoot yourself?
She’s not the first to ask me that.
After last night’s egg dyeing fiasco, and all the egg hiding and sugared up kids ranging from 9 to 2, I’m gonna need a little coffee in my whisky to get through the rest of the day.
I didn’t get far in Mario. I thought the guy floating on the cloud was God so I just accepted it when he threw shit at me
Started making anti-inspirational greeting cards.
COP: let’s see some ID sir
ME: *hands him the little sticker from my lemon*
COP: this ain’t gonna cut it bud
ME: fine *hands him the lemon*
I hope that the missing puzzle piece my 5 year old has been searching the house for has nothing to do with my 2 year old’s burp.
I can’t remember the ending of one single movie I’ve seen since they started selling booze in theaters.
Roses are red, you always mattered,