Just told my two kids that I love them both equally and the one with his shoes on the wrong feet totally bought it.
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Sorry I yelled “…just killed a man” when your baby called “Mama…”
When I want my husband to cut the grass I give him a mowtivational speech.
*talking to a baby*
Me: Can you say ‘dog’
Baby: *patronizingly* Can you say ‘Worcestershire’
We were watching The Discovery Channel on the couch.
I was naked.
She was afraid.
I guess I should have probably introduced myself first.
I’m going to subtly spread my brownie crums across your car because I silently resent you for changing the song.
I was a far more confident parent when I didn’t have any kids.
Shout out to Marco Polo for inventing finding people
CULT LEADER: join our cult
ME: no thanks
CULT LEADER: we believe Air Bud was a documentary
ME: I’m listening
Oh my god gurrrll, he said WHAT? Told you men are trash now did I, alright gimme the tea!
When I go to Burger King, I like to get a Whopper and a Whopper jr. then make the Whopper watch as I eat the Whopper jr.
discovered i giggle in my sleep after downloading a sleep app and assume i will soon become a serial killer
Just found all my fan letters to Wolverine my wife “promised” she mailed stuffed behind the couch. I’m livid.
Me: You’ve got the same stupid duck face in every picture! Daffy: Erm… 😐
The first million people to send me $1.00 will get a copy of my guide on how to become a millionaire on Twitter.
Ok, so maybe the best time to break the news about how many years of school there are was NOT after a rough day at kindergarten.
[Pilot intercom]
Me: “Hello, this is the co-pilot speaking. Not to cause alarm but the pilot has passed out and I lied a lot on my resume.”
If you text your boss that you can’t come in and include the poop emoji, he doesn’t ask any questions.
Why he land on that little girl like that☠️
How much for the soul sucker?
Sir, that’s a baby
4-year-old: Why do robbers steal money?
Me: So they can buy stuff.
4: Why don’t they just steal the stuff?
She’s a criminal mastermind.
Scientists found there may not be as many benefits to flossing as we thought. Guess none of them have ever been to a party with spinach dip.
at my funeral, I need one of you to stand up and ask if you can have your toaster back
– How much for the mobile tampon?
– Ma’am?
– It’s a bit big.
– Ma’am, it’s a lamb.
– Does it make that sound because it has detected blood?
A woman told me at dinner she liked me because I’m “not afraid to eat bread”–so I’m done with socializing for at least a year thanks
[first day as aquarium guide]
Me: & here’s 8 snakes biting a soccer ball
Guy: that’s an octopus
Me [sighs]: fine. 8 snakes biting an octopus
there are only two portion sizes for mashed potatoes: nowhere near enough (posh restaurants) or far, far too much (literally everyone else)
if I’m wearing a suit you better be dead or getting married
Son: Dad, can you teach me how to use a condom?
Me: Yeah so you just put the drugs in, swallow it, and then poop it out when the plane lands.
I’ve won 5 straight games of Operation, so I am more than qualified to perform a tracheotomy.
Mom [holding newborn baby]: Let’s name the baby after my grandfather
Dad: What would be the point of naming him after your grandfather already did