“Hey, you guys dare me to eat this whole party sub by myself?”
I ask the dolls that line my bedroom shelves
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Welcome to Twitter.
Here are your stones. Your glass house will be assigned to you momentarily.
Annoying how when you go to the orchestra, there’s always that one wasted dude up front swaying and waving his arms around the whole time
Nirvana, according to most Buddhists I’ve spoken to, is quite literally the best alternative rock band to have ever existed.
He asked if I was into anal, then got all weird when I pulled out my strap-on. Advice?
My decision to have kids was based solely on the fact that I was so tired of seeing movies in their entirety & craved constant interruption.
Who wants to be my Valentine?
Welcome to your 40s, your gum’s flavor outlasts your chewing stamina now.
It’s ironic that my sitcom about Abraham Lincoln was shot in front of a live audience.
Sometimes I wake up grumpy; other times I let her sleep…….
WebMD says I’m in good
shape so I’m not worried
about a thing.
Watch closely as the husband quietly approaches the calm children, riles them up into a frenzy, then slyly escapes to watch football.
Friend: You can improve your visual acuity with carrots
Me: *shoving a carrot into each eye* You better be right about this, Gary
[being pushed into the middle of a dance circle] please, I have a family
Nice try, NASA
Only whores show their boobs. Only uptight bitches won’t show their boobs. Please show me your boobs. Women are crazy. – men
Boy, there sure are a lot of lonely people on twitter, which is weird because we’re all so pleasant
I’m a married white male; my forefathers saw to it that I’m not allowed to be offended by anything.
“Last night I was so drunk I replied to my own text”
I shrunk my husband’s hoodie in the dryer, so now I have to convince him that he gained 30 pounds overnight to hide my mistake.
Toddler: happy birthday daddy!
Me: aw thanks buddy!
Toddler: it’s my birthday too?
Me: no your birthday is in December.
Toddler: IT’S MY BIRTHDAY TOO!
Me: no-
Toddler: TELL ME HAPPY BIRTHDAY!
Me: but-
Toddler: SAY IT!
Me: happy birthday?
Toddler: thanks daddy!
I’m really proud of myself for getting the daily requirement of produce stickers in my diet today.
I just saw a woman outside sitting alone on a bench and staring at nothing and it made me so sad. I wonder what happened to her phone?
There are many to choose from but my favorite quote from the Godfather is when he says “it’s-a me, The Godfather”
Rich people in movies apparently can’t drink scotch without telling everyone how old it is.
If you buy something with a lifetime warranty and it breaks, the manufacturer will send a hitman to your house.
I hate being woken up so if you find me sleeping, let me rest. If you can’t follow that simple rule, next time just hire another pilot.
Does anyone know any herbal remedies for worthlessness?
*goes to grocery store*
*puts picture of my missing keys on all the milk cartons*
[First Date]
I’ll have a turkey burger. No bun, please.
[Second Date]
*just goes straight up Pac-Man on the basket of garlic rolls*
*pulled over by cop*
Cop: Did you know that your tags are expired?
*tags cop*
Me: You’re it!
Cop:
Me running away: Renewed!