Could u imagine you send ur son off to professor Xs school thinkin he has a better life now, you look on the tv and juggernaut just threw him into a building lmfaoooooo
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I changed my relationship status to “I’m sharpening my knives” on Facebook so my boyfriend’s family will never come visit
That’s me at the corner, that’s me at the stoplight choosing no collision
-Michael Stipe selling auto insurance
Some people have bedroom eyes. I have interrogation room eyes.
You know when motorcyclists give a little wave to each other, I do that when I see someone else eating in their car.
Neighbor found religion and I found spirits.
Him: Hi
Me: I bet you say that to all the girls
Don’t ask me if I have a safety pin if you’re going to look at me all weird when I pull one out of my pocket and hand it to you.
Its funny how your parents tell you its their house, but as soon as something needs cleaning, it magically becomes yours too.
i’d like to die of natural causes like being stabbed to death by the grand canyon
If he was arranged diagonally would you call him Slanta?
Vader: I’ll teach you the Death Star’s power
Leia: By blowing up my planet?
Vader: By showing you a PowerPoint presentation
Leia: NOOO!!!
Everything that is wrong with America, in one image.
[at my funeral]
ventriloquist: please don’t judge me, he paid me a lot of money to do this
me: hi everybody!
I used to think that ‘Gun point’ and ‘Knife point’ were real places. I’d see or hear media reports about things like; ‘man robbed at knife point’ and think ‘ooh, never want to go there, too much crime.’
Harry Potter and the Uber of Eats
Pfizer: Our vaccine is 90% effective.
Me who always gets the lemon skittle: oh no
[blind date]
OK don’t let her know you’re a remote control“Your eyes are beau-
*sinks into seat crevice, lost for weeks*DAMMIT NOT AGAIN
The candy shop door swung open and he strode in. Patrons gasped and clerks hid under the counter. He put a smoke out with the heel of his boot, pulled another from his leather jacket, and gripped it with his yellowed teeth. “Oh my god,” a woman whispered, “it’s the fifth dentist”
You can pronounce it “Nude Jersey” and no one will know
My swear jar has more money in it than my bank account
Him:You married?
Me:Aww You think I’m that pretty?
H:Ma’am just filling out your pape-
M:SO I’M UGLY?
H:I’ll tell the therapist to hurry
Me: Ok, I’m ready to sit down and really lock into work for the next hour.
My neighbor firing up a power saw at that exact moment: MUAHAHAHAHA
PORCUPINE LAWYER: I object, your Honor! He’s badgering the witness!
BADGER LAWYER: Your Honor, he’s being a prick!
SKUNK JUDGE: [slamming gavel] Odor! Odor in the court!
My kid gave me 75 cents for being her mom, so either we need to work on math or I’m a really shitty parent
ME: long time no see! I heard you’re a doctor
FRIEND: I am. what do you do now?
ME: [glances down at open twitter app] I’m a writer
What are you hiding in your locked instagram? sandwiches? Sunsets???? let us see your nephew!!!!
Let’s legalize all drugs so Americans finally learn the metric system.
I was nerding out to a friend over something Harry Potter related in the pub and now the bartender keeps asking me “what can I get you, Gryffindork?”