Are you a guest? No, you aren’t. You live here. *takes away napkin and hands you a paper towel*
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*Brings a hammer to a thumb war.*
Is it rude to throw breath mints in someones mouth while they’re talking?
when interviewing a person for a dog walking position, you must make absolutely certain that given the chance, the applicant won’t eat a dog
Why put it in my calendar when I can just wait until someone texts me “Where the hell are you?”
I think my family is really going to dig the 15 minute powerpoint I’ve created of the things I am thankful for at Thanksgiving dinner.
It’s not Christmas until I see Snoopy eating 37 human femurs.
I can’t take my dog to the park as all the ducks keep trying to bite him, but that’s my fault for getting one that’s pure bread.
My most impressive dance move is carrying a watermelon.
Until I became a parent I had never heard a human cry because they bumped their head on the roof of a blanket fort
Pro tip:
Singing “Into the great wide open” is never ok during sex
Morpheus: take the blue pill, the story ends. Take the red pill, I show you how deep the rabbit hole goes
Dog: (staring at gray pills) Crap
We were making out on the couch and She’s like “Let’s take this upstairs” I’m like “Ok you grab one side and I’ll grab the other!”
This is still funny.
Do kids eat more under quarantine?
Since we stocked the house with food, my son is taking to eating like he’s being personally challenged.
My nickname is Phantom Menace, because I also came out in 1999 and am not that popular.
Went to a bar. Ordered a drink. Waiter served it without ice. So I called him again & asked for it.
I kept sipping my drink while waiting for ice. By the time the waiter came with ice, I had finished my drink.
Moral of the story:
Just ice delayed is just ice denied.
Why are you being weird about how we made eye contact and both smiled and then I took the form of an actual bat and chased you for 11 miles
Asking every new person I meet if they’re cake.
They caught Tupacs killer 27 years later, so by all means, keep sending FB messages that say “hey” to the girl who rejected you in high school. There’s always hope
Airlines. Graciously giving you the choice to have feet, or a personal item, but not both.
grocery store clerk: did u find everything ok today
me, who couldn’t find the tortillas after 30 minutes of searching: yes
dam girl
If we were in a fight, I’d mop the floor with you…
Except I don’t do housework.
Me: GD potholes
My kids: WEEEEEEEEE
21: Falls off second story balcony, laughs it off
51: “I’m no doctor but I’m pretty sure it’s not supposed to hurt when you button your pants”
Wife: We need to go to the store. We’re out of milk.
Me: We can wait a few days.
Wife: We’re out of beer.
Me: *dives in the car*
I wonder if Mariah Carey knows it’s possible to sing a high note without pointing her finger in the air?
Him: Every Christmas we have pigs in blankets
Me: What a terrible way to talk about your relatives
It’s fucked up that probably everyone believes their pets share their political views
A romantic thing you can do for your wife is try to get a raccoon to come in your house