There’s nothing quite like a family gathering to remind you of why they’re so infrequent.
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That earthquake could have been an email.
Smoking doesn’t make you look cool kids. Murder does.
DJ VAN HELSING: this one goes out to my boy, Drac
DRACULA: *rolls eyes* oh here we go
DJ VAN HELSING: *plays Man in the Mirror*
*maintains eye contact*
*leaves with Drac’s girl*
When my cats look out the window at another cat I like to pretend they’re judging and disparaging it with little British accents.
Saw a standup duo last night. One totally died on stage. The other killed. Actually, now I think about it, it might have been a cage fight.
[the noise of everyone talking at a party randomly goes silent]
ME: i call hot dogs meat pickles
It’s my son’s birthday this week; so we’ve been doing whatever he wants since he was born.
I wonder how many calories you burn locking yourself out and having to climb in through a second story window.??
Can hardly wait until my winter fat turns into spring rolls.
i love that my tweets still say i’m tweeting from earth because i know a lot of you are tweeting straight from URANUS
What kind of monster sits in a rocking chair and doesn’t rock
Jesus: *picks up bread* this is my body
Jesus: *picks up wine* this is my blood
Jesus: *picks up eggplant* i think we allll know what this is lol yea
My 3YO refuses to put on her socks because she thinks the triceratops on them will bite her, which is really dumb because it’s not a meat-eater.
Me: “Can you go back four slides?”
Bride: “To the wedding dress?”
Me: “No, the cheese plate.”
Me: Wipes tears.
I work from home and tend towards introvert
Him: (assessing the surroundings) when did you last leave the house?
Me: Saturday!
Him (familiar with my bullshit): WHICH Saturday?
Me:
My dad:
Me:
My dad: when was the last time u checked ur oil
Sirs & Ma’ams, It is a well-known fact that when Jesus takes the wheel, He doesn’t just stop with the wheel. He takes the stereo too.
That Scene in a Christopher Nolan Film Where You Give Up Trying to Follow the Plot
What kind of adapter do I need for this outlet?
My husband coughed and then I coughed from another room. This is our version of echolocation.
I just did my own taxes for the first time and I’m glad I did because I’m getting 8 million dollars back this year!
I hang crystals in my window as a warning to other crystals
I’m gonna keep wearing a mask after this pandemic is over. I can’t go back to worrying about how my breath smells like Doritos and garlic and coffee.
Me: Have you ever tasted cat food?
Interviewer: No, I meant questions about the job.
Me, dying from machete attack: Someone—
My kids: What?
Me: Call the geek squad—
K: No!
Me: I’ve been hacked!
K: *run off to thank my killer*
Your name is just a compromise. It’s the one both your parents didn’t hate.
If I’m grilling and I can see you grilling, we will engage in a ceremonial tong click and bow.
A gentleman always straightens out the vending machine after shaking it.
“You want crumbs with that?”
-My bed, every night.
“Nwbdy tellsh mwe wht to dwo”, I say through a mouthful of cardboard, giving a middle finger to “remove pizza from box before consumption”.