God grant me the dgaf to lol at the things I can’t even, the swag to yolo the things I can, and the lifehacks to know the difference
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Apparently even if you build your own Viking warship, raiding and taking over a village is still, like, SUPER illegal.
“Relax, honey. It’s more scared of you than you are of it.”
Free will is good, but free pizza is better.
I’ve got a really bad feeling about this bathroom, you guys.
“I raised you better than that!!!!” you very obviously did not
No one:
My brain: the word ‘platitude’ kinda just sounds like a platypus with an attitude
Olive Garden said “when you’re here, you’re family” so I always bring a family therapist, a lawyer, a young priest, and an old priest with me, in case they are anything like mine.
Good news, you survived the horrific car crash. Sadly we couldn’t find the other guy’s arms but we managed to reattach all four of yours
Why does this look like one of the ingredients is painkillers
My grandfather was a boxer in the British Army.
Which was completely unfair because the enemy had rifles.
Ruin a Tolstoy novel by changing 587287 words
I may be nodding and smiling, but I’m secretly diagnosing you.
welcome to janurary 32nd everyone
NO CONDOM FOREVER! or whatever tf black panther said
Took a poop without my phone. Had no idea what to do with my hands. Did the Macarena. What a day.
Happy Lunch to those who celebrate!
verbiage sounds like something you’re not getting enough of in your diet
Please bear with my nonsense…
…I’ve been in a very dork place lately.
My favorite part about parenting is hearing things like, “Mom, you have eyes like a mongoose” from my 8 year old.
the thing about the weather getting colder is that it makes you think you want to date someone when what you want is heavy socks
Friend: I’m pregnant
Me: You should have just got a dog
Pharaohs were buried with their hands crossed over their chest because of the belief there would be countless water slides in the after life.
Would you get your phone if you dropped it in a toilet?
1996: eww that’s gross
2016: head first without thinking
Me: I want you to make me a better person
Frankenstein: you barely touch the one you have now
[Sesame Street casting]
Exec: ok, what kid role models do we have
A grouch, cookie addict, and 2 jobless roommates
Exec: Nice, let’s roll
mom: Why are your eyes red? Are you high!?
[flashback to me cry-singing Taylor Swift’s “Love Story” in the car on the way over]
me: Yes
Doctor: Your blood pressure is a little high.
Me: I have 4 kids.
Doctor:
Me:
Doctor: Your blood pressure is a little low.
Please don’t use the phrase, “make love,” unless you’re speaking about what you want to do to a cheeseburger.
My wife banned iPads from my kids so my sweet angels stood in the hallway where they thought I couldn’t hear and whispered “Let’s ask dad because he always let us and then we can blame him when mommy asks”.