OF COURSE IT’S A GENUINE BEETHOVEN! Look at those brush strokes, the stunning use of colour.
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Satan cannot be everywhere,
So Relatives were created..
I hate when I miss the garbage truck and just have to throw trash in the neighbors hot tub again
I want to name my daughter Katie but that spelling is too common so I’ll spell it Potassiumatie.
The problem with Chinese food is an hour later you feel like hacking the Pentagon again.
does the “apple a day keeps the doctor away” thing work on all types of doctors? my neighbor is a PhD in marine biology and keeps trying to talk to me about the various uses of squid ink
House for sale. Spider on ceiling.
Me: I used to use baby oil so I’d fry faster in the sun, then of course the eventual peel and tan that followed
Satan: I honestly don’t know where you belong. You’re very insane.
Don’t forget to contemplate the meaning of life while standing in the cycle lane with your car door wide open today.
[first day as a jedi knight]
*accidentally runs light saber thru the washer and dryer*
[zombie apocalypse]
GUY: It’s not safe here let’s head north.
ME: No, let’s go down to the sewers.
GUY: What’s in the sewers?
ME: [thinking about ninja turtles] Protection.
[100 year old man on job interview]
“Do you have any references?”
Sure, hold on. *pulls out Ouija board*
(strolls into men’s warehouse)
yes, and hello and how much to
keep all my mens here
I love that Twitter is so international. I can hit “send” & be misunderstood by people all over the world almost instantly.
[the ghost of christmas future points at my grave] finally im dead [i lay down in the grave] stop kicking me ghost im not learning anything
You never truly appreciate Newton’s laws of motion until you’ve sneezed while going to the bathroom.
Careful…I’ve already had our entire fight in my head and it doesn’t end well for you.
“Go ahead, caller. . .”
“Yes, hello. My dog dug up a femur and I’d like to make soup. Would you suggest carrots or potatoes?”
Do you think when Spider-Man gets stoned with Batman and the Hulk he sometimes thinks the spider on his chest is real and freaks out?
Fatherhood is a privilege, an honour and something I am grateful for every day. Being a dad is not just about telling lame jokes. It’s about threatening homelessness if they’re not laughed at.
surgeon: are… are you still awake?
me: man i got a lot going on right now
I was mowing the lawn and a frog just appeared out of nowhere and threw himself under the mower. Guess he wanted to Kermit suicide.
Who needs horror films when there are true crime docs on Tinder dating
My least popular conspiracy theory is that orchestra conductors don’t actually do anything. Some guy just shows up and says “okay I’mma direct you” and the musicians play the same but treat it like a Make-a-Wish thing and are like, “That’s great, bud, you’re directing so good!”
Happy thanksgiving
I hope someone makes you feel special today. I’m not doing it, I’m busy.
LIAM NEESON: I will look for you, I will find you, and I will ki-
*my phone battery dies*
ME: omg
WIFE: omg
ME: Liam Neeson’s gonna kiss me
I didn’t have time to have my coffee before drop off this morning. Anyway. Hopefully I brought them to the right school.
I wish I were better at subtweets cause I have some really passive aggressive things I’ld like to say to a couple of you
Next time during church, stand up and ask your pastor “Have you ever turned down heroin?” Both Yes and No are equally entertaining answers.
I guess what I’m trying to say is that 4 glasses of wine makes it exponentially more difficult to get out of the bathtub.