Interviewer: Do you have any questions?
Me: Did I mention I’m a vegan?
Interviewer: Your resume is printed on quinoa
Me: I’m a vegan
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Apparently hitting a butterfly with my car is “not a valid reason to call 911” and I “need to grow up”
HAD LOTS OF ESPRESSO. TWEETING FROM THE MOON. I LIVE HERE NOW. IT IS NOT MADE OUT OF CHEESE.
1 OUT OF 5 STARS: NOT RECOMMENDED
If aliens ever attack, I hope they do it in rows of 8, going right and left directly above me. I’m very skilled at shooting aliens this way
Me: Do you do any Iron Maiden?
Carol singers: no
Indiana Jones and the Childproof Cap
Have never been roasted to the level as I have been today after asking my department full of tall Tinas if we had a step stool for the file room. They’re trying to find a booster seat on Facebook marketplace for my desk chair. It’s over. I’ll never recover from this.
(opens door)
Me: Staff meeting soon
CW: GET OUT!
M: Nice carpet
CW: SHUT THE DOOR!
M: Can I borrow some toilet paper? The next stall is out.
When your girlfriend says “I love you” reply with “I love you more!” Because relationships are competitions that must be won.
And to my kids I leave an endless supply of screenshotted recipes that I never made but also refused to delete. With these images I also bequeath a drawer full of condiments and sporks from all the takeout we had instead.
unless you’re dead wearing a sheet you got no business ghosting ppl.
A good way to tell if an artistic idea is any good is to remember the most successful video game idea of all time is “a plumber steps on turtles” so who knows
Women love a man who will look at them like nothing else matters, except for when you’re doing it through their bedroom window, apparently.
My battle cry is, I’M TRYING TO PEE! STOP KNOCKING ON THE DOOR!!
And 5’s battle cry is, I’M NOT KNOCKING ON THE DOOR! I’M KNOCKING ON THE WALL NEXT TO THE DOOR!
Doctor: Your son needs a kidney transplant
My mom: K, he NEEDS or he WANTS one?
Co-worker: I know I’m not everyone’s cup of tea…
Me: Yeah, you’re my glass of ipecac.
I enjoy visiting countries where I don’t speak the language because it requires zero effort to tune out everyone around me.
*turns off life support*
*waits*
*turns it back on*
Me: How’s she now?
Him: Are you sure you’re a doctor?
Me: Doct… No, I’m from IT.
My “snooze” button should just be called the “nope, no yoga today” button.
interviewer: your resume says you like being read to
me: and then what happened
No one :
Me when I swimming :
Mom there’s a boogie man in my closet!
*mom looks and I’m standing there with an afro in a satin shirt and platform shoes
Just got fired from my job as a set designer. I left without making a scene.
But I meant it as a compliment when I said your baby looks like a pug.
my gf left me bc i’m paranoid
nvm she’s back, she went pee
Sometimes, you have to ask yourself: is my potato cheating on me?
My can opener broke so now it’s a can’t opener.
“Your panties are so cute!! Let’s show everyone in the parking lot!!”
– The wind, apparently.
Hey ladies, I can spell ‘Häagen-Dazs’ without googling it if anyone is looking for a good time tonight or anything.
Me: I just murdered Frank Sinatra
Cop: What?? He’s been dead for years
Me: I was at the karaoke bar
Cop: Oh I see lol
Me *puzzled* who the hell did I kill?