People found guilty of not using punctuation deserve the longest sentence possible.
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“I’m going to show off my new belt by tucking in my T-shirt” -Men over 50.
Person on another social media site described themselves as an “unobservant atheist” and I had to sit down in my rocker and let my addled brain try to puzzle that one out.
moth *repeatedly bashing itself against my computer monitor*
me: it’s not a touchscreen you have to use the mouse
Mother Goose: I need some ideas for my nursery rhymes.
Me: a young boy and girl fall down a hill and the boy suffers a head injury.
Mother Goose: what? these are for children
Me:
Mother Goose:
Me: an egg falls off a wall and dies.
*dinosaur at zoo roars at me*
“ROAR”
whoa wat kimd of dinosaur is this
“GROWL”
hmm
“SHOUT”
hmmm
“YELL”
hmmmmm
“HOLLER”
oh its a thesaurus
GYM INSTRUCTOR: …and over here are the free weights.
ME: *shoving weights in my pockets* Fantastic.
Dad: “So what are you going to do after you graduate?”
Me: “well, mom said we’ll probably go out somewhere to eat”
It’s legally required that you lose a frisbee onto the roof within one hour of purchase
Friend: what are you doing for VD?
Me: taking antibiotics and drinking cranberry juice
Friend: Valentine’s Day…
Me, leaning in: taking antibiotics and drinking cranberry juice
i hear the new batman movie is so long because there’s a scene where bruce wayne withdraws the entirety of his bank account but he asks for it all in ones and then counts it all while facing the camera
Dog: Whatcha doing?
Me: Shaving my legs.
Dog: Why?
Me: So that I’m not covered in…
Dog: Not covered in what, Erren? NOT COVERED IN WHAT?
You can’t be the most good looking one at any wedding because you can’t compete with how great the food looks.
There’s no such thing as bad press.
Johnson & Johnson: Hold my Beer!
*sees a racoon in the neighbor’s trash*
I won’t say anything if you don’t.
*continues rummaging*
In case you wondered how much patience I have for questions today, I just told my 4-year-old the sky is blue because I said so.
Cholesterol has a special place in my heart.
The fortune teller flips over the tarot card and looks confused.
You lean forward to sneak a glance. “Is— Is that a flaming dumpster?” you ask nervously.
I used to weigh eight pounds and could only get around if others carried me, but all it took was one frosted cake a year to change all that.
Roses are red
violets are blue
celery is green
bees are black and yellow
please help me I can’t stop
pumpkins are orange
satan is vermillion
Walking around the house in my undies again…
Not sure whose house it is, but I’m sure they won’t mind
BUZZFEED: Is Internet Clickbait Dumbing Down Society?
Lick your fingers & stick them in a power socket to learn the shocking answer.
i want to work in this restaurant
[job interview]
“any public speaking experience?”
not since the valedictorian speech in high school
“very impressive”
I yelled ‘YOU SUCK’
Is it still casual sex if you’re wearing a tuxedo?
#IsStrangerThanStrangerThings
A groundhog taking the wheel
“hello pretty lady.” [i slide down the bar] “what’s your name?” i say as i casually toss a peanut in my eye.
The banking industry gave me unrealistic expectations that it was ok to fail
I have a Chewbacca bathrobe and didn’t shave my legs so I’d have pants to match.
Me: I’m sad my favorite beef jerky has been making my stomach hurt.
Husband: Maybe you shouldn’t eat the whole bag.
Me: No one asked you.
I took my dog to see “Fifty Shades Of Grey” and he loved it. Which surprised me because he hated the book…