If all lyrics were as profound as “I got soul, but I’m not a soldier” by The Killers…
5. I got hips, but I’m not a hipster
4. I got toes, but I’m not a toaster
4. I got hooves, but I’m not a hoover
3. I got badge, but I’m not a badger
1. I got meow, but I’m not a homeowner
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4-year-old: How many push-ups can you do?
Me: A million.
4: Then why did your arms shake on the first one?
Me: Must’ve been an earthquake
I am eternally grateful that Twitter doesn’t have an “is online now” indicator
My friend says I’m self-absorbed, so I took a long, hard look at myself. Beautiful
Why are sports teams named after animals? Why can’t it be the Atlanta Cherry Blossoms… or the Denver Lettuce Wraps.. ?
Honestly I wouldn’t want to be left alone with anyone who knew even a single way to skin a cat
[hears a baby crying on the train]
Can somebody put that thing on silence please?
“It’s a baby..”
…
“…”
Vibrate?
I just sent a screen shot of my drunken tweets to my friends & they are still asking if I can come pick them up
2-step verification should be at least somewhat dance related
I hate when my dog watches me pick up his shit, I feel like his bitch.
I can be back in bed in about 16 hours.
~me, every time my alarm goes off
I HATE when people use song lyrics as their status! It makes. me wanna SHOUT! Kick my heels back and SHOUT! Throw my arms up and SHOUT..Etc.
Me: [giving eulogy] He was a good man. He was a kind man. He was born to the blade, and merciless. He had a secret robot arm that shot out the side of his head. He was nine inches tall and invisible on Tuesdays. He wanted you to know the truth let go of me they need to hear this
Every time I talk about milk, I clarify “not breast milk.” It’s unnecessary and it makes people uncomfortable.
ME: Im a secret agent
THEM: With like the FBI
ME: Idk its a secret
The pic on Nextdoor of a swarm of bees on someone’s fence is wicked cool until you recognize the fence.
me: where can I find shovels and toilet paper?
clerk: going camping?
me: no
*cold day in hell
Satan: Dammit! Did some band get back together?
Cinderella is my favorite story about choosing a spouse based on shoe size.
Her: Mommy, why does this peanut butter jar say “contains peanuts?”
Me: Because idiots, sweetheart.
I’m a people person. I live in a house home where I enjoy food meals and listening to music songs.
I’m literally crying
Me: I was so drunk last night. Who was the hot redhead I was talking to for so long?
Friend: That was a statue of Ronald McDonald.
I am convinced Americans are required by law to watch football. Ain’t no way this many people watch it all day long by choice
I have a spot on my glasses but nothing to clean the lens with so I’m learning not to see it. So…pretty much how I deal with all my problems.
That moment when the woman ur dancing behind bends over so u can grind &u realize she lost an earring & nobody in starbucks can hear ur iPod
The quickest way to insult a 12 year old at a restaurant is to give them a kid cup when they’re ordering off the adult menu.
Y’all tweet like you don’t know it only takes 2 doctors to commit you.
me: you’re probably wondering why I gathered you here today
platter of various cheeses:
Save money on laser removal of ‘love hate’ knuckle tattoos, by changing the last letter to an ‘s’ and developing an interest in millinery.
You ever look someone in the eyes and it’s just blank? Like, you can see right into the filing cabinet of their brain and all the drawers are empty