[me, trying to join a conversation about Game of Thrones] oh man, there are just so many thrones, I don’t have a favorite really
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Me: I’m completely lost. What’s going on in this movie?
Him: Lin, I just hit play 90 seconds ago.
Me: Wow! New record.
What do you call a parsnip riding a dragon?
A parsnip.
I ate a kid’s meal today at McDonald’s.
His mom got really mad.
My sons kidnappers: if u ever want to see your son alive, press 1. Para Español marque dos
Me: ugh i just want to speak to a real person
My mother was so overprotective we were only allowed to play rock, paper.
Start replying with “In this economy!?” anytime anyone asks you to do anything. It’s legit.
The opposite of ‘taking candy from a baby’ is ‘putting sunscreen on a toddler’.
Them: You’ve changed.
Me: hmm doesn’t sound like something I’d do.
A book commits suicide every time you watch a reality show.
[death row]
Guard: Any last words?
Me: [smugly] photosynthesis.
Guard: …
Me: it sounded longer in my head.
Buy her a new cauldron. Keep her broom in good repair. Maintain a robust collection of eye of newt.
Witches love that.
Just bought a new pair of running shoes. Very excited to see how they look on the highest shelf in the closet.
*carrying an armload of condoms to the CVS counter*
Excuse me, where are the fitting rooms?
Me: I love you..Marry Me!
Burrito: I’m a Burrito..stop drinking.
I wanna go out
I wanna come in
I wanna go out
I wanna come in
I wanna go out
I wanna come in-My dog, all day long.
What idiot called it a meal of light colored carnival bus tickets of appropriate price and not a fair fair fair fare fare
[intensive care]
NURSE: I’ll never leave your side, DO YOU HEAR ME?!
ME [patient]: wow, I didn’t realize how intense the care was here.
Napkins used after eating hot wings and then put in your pocket should NEVER be used as toilet paper no matter how much you’ve had to drink.
My 2yo was concerned about a bruise on his knee so I said “don’t worry it will go away soon” and he earnestly asked “where will it go? in the bin?”
Why can’t your children be like my office voice mail?
Seen but not heard
Friend: That was the exit. Did you see the sign?
Me: I saw the sign
F: …
Me: And it opened up my eyes
F: Oh no.
Me: I SAWW THE SIIIGNNN
I just saw The Big Sick and now I’m negotiating with my doctor to place me in a medically induced coma and then speed dial my true love.
I heard a coworker describe his hospital stay as “being checked from the rooter to the tooter.”
Come back later for more stuff I hear at work.
me: i’m sorry i haven’t been on twitter much lately, my employer says i’m expendabl-
boss: *leans in and whispers*
me: essential. they say i’m essential.
me *brings toddler his popsicle* What do you say?
toddler: Finally
women at the gym use every other treadmill like men do urinals
Carp we hit an iceberg!
What am I herring? This scampi true!
Whale I squid you not
Oh cod I can’t die
Waterboat me? You’re so shellfishFin
Why do they call it multiple personality disorder and not being a people-person?
dating a skinny guy is cool and all until you’re cooking and you accidentally boil him with the noodles
*Middle of dinner*
My kid: Can I have a snack?