[parking garage]
FBI: got the file?
Me: [attempts to whistle but spits on Agent]
FBI: for the last time that’s not Whistleblowing
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You feel like you’re an okay parent winging it as best as possible and then you ask your almost 4yo what her favorite number is and she says “A”.
doctor: your wife’s gone into labor
husband: oh no, I hate unions
Why is it called a phobia-induced breakdown and not tears for fears?
Check out @funTweeters. Laughing until I was crying!
incredibly disappointed to discover that these are two separate programs
*Last week on “Models Who Weren’t Expecting To Be Eaten By Bears”*
JADE: When I was eaten by a bear, I was like what is happening lol
[Million dollar idea] : Spaghetti Sauce colored Tupperware.
“Are you going to apologize for what you said?”
“I’m sorry I feel that way.”
Looking back at all the successes & failures in my life, I can’t help but be proud that at least the potty training thing stuck.
Does anyone know how to save your game on twitter I’ve been playing for 2 years straight my mom is pissed
[talking with counselor]
I don’t “know” what “she” means that I “use” excessive air quotes
This is what we really need to remember from the gold and white or blue and black dress debate.
This is the best tattoo I’ve ever seen in my whole life, no contest
Nothing derails an argument in the kitchen like soft-close drawers.
Every time I’m around my mother in law, I wonder who is running hell in her absence.
My key takeaway from Ghostbusters was that once you’re dead, your Miranda rights don’t count for shit.
1985: “I hope we’ll have flying cars in the future!”
2017: “I just used the flashlight on my cell phone to look for spiders under my bed.”
People fear what they don’t understand:
Change
Death
4th grade math word problems
Men, please quit wishing for the perfect woman for Christmas. Three times this week Santa Claus tried to kidnap me.
Me: *gripping weapon, hiding* Today I slay the troll that controls the bridge
Toll booth operator (on the phone, watching me): Yeah he’s back, and he’s holding a pool noodle
My sense of humor can best be described as “Are you okay? Did someone hit you in the head?”
My wife agreed to a water birth, so I’m setting up a slip’n slide in the front yard right now. I’m gonna wait at the end & catch him.
My little brother tried his first edible and is currently writing the worst statuses ever
What’s the normal amount of hair to mail someone? I feel like this is a lot of hair I’m mailing to someone
I don’t have Facebook I use the police to tell my friends and family when I’m doing badly
The loudest noise a child can make from another room is silence
CW: It’s 11:11 make a wish.
Me: I wish I could throw a clock at your face.
I’m not saying I’ve let my house get filthy, but this is the second time I’ve caught my new Roomba trying to mail itself back to the factory
I have yet again allowed myself to get one year older. Thinking about doing it at least one more time.
Since I moved into my house, my parents do this thing where they come over so my dad can work on a project but he always forgets a tool he needs so they just drink my beer instead.