My neighbor is trying to organize a block party and it’s like, I think we all know each other well enough, Tall Lady On Corner.
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No one has a dog’s back like another dog. If a dog hears barking it will trust the other dog and join it bark first ask questions later….
The quickest way to get your kid to do their homework is to ask them to help with some chores
me: dinosaurs can’t jump
her: how do u know
me: they’re dead Linda
“We all have two lives. The second begins when you realize you only have one.”
~ Tom Hiddleston
[on my way back to the posting caves]
If two people on opposite sides of the world drop a piece of bread on the ground at the same time the Earth briefly becomes a sandwich
Obama: Please don’t talk to me until I’ve had my morning cup of Joe.
Joe: no please no more.
Obama: shut up Joe. *takes a sip of Joe*
Bruce Willis is talking to a parrot. “I’m Bruce Willis” he says. The parrot repeats it. “yeah right” Bruce says, but is secretly worried
*blasts Ride of the Valkyries as I fly over your house pooping*
Living well is the best revenge. The second best revenge is carefully removing plants from someone’s garden & replacing their lawn gnomes with slightly larger lawn gnomes so they appear to be growing in size from eating the plants.
Bathe your child in lavender soap before bed so you’re both nice and relaxed before you lose your mind when they won’t go to sleep.
[spelling bee]
judge: your word is mississippi
pirate: m-i-s-s-i-s-s-i-p-p
judge: im sorry you’re missing an i
pirate: *sobbing* i know, it happened in a sword fight.
[slips the bus driver £20]
“Maybe you let me ride the bus for free?”
Lmao at people who ‘play Devil’s advocate’ like Lucifer doesn’t already own all the lawyers.
Dont be worried about your smartphone and TV spying on you.
Your vacuum has been gathering dirt on you for years!
first time homeowner question. how much fog is supposed to be coming from my basement?
Dr. says I have an enlarged heart thanks doc I already know I’m super nice just trying to figure out why I can’t breathe when I eat chips
If you broke up with your gf who works at a salad bar you can use the line “lettuce romaine friends” at a low cost of my student loans.
I would do anything for love. But I won’t do that. Or that. That’s not looking good either.
jurisprudence- an accused is innocent until proven guilty.
media- an accused is guilty until proven innocent.
colony aunty’s principle- guilty after proven innocent too.
When a band has Z’s where S’s should be in their name, I’m like, “Woah, watch out! These bad boys aren’t playing by society’s rules.”
*puts water bottle across the room to force myself to move*
*dies*
Sometimes I pretend I’m picking up lunch for the office even tho the KFC workers can clearly see me eating that bucket in their parking lot.
Nothing snaps a woman into full blown CSI mode faster than an unfamiliar ponytail holder in her car.
What idiot called it a national anthem instead of country music?
They say money talks, but mine barely gets a chance to introduce itself before it’s gone.
thanksgiving is canceled? you mean I have to wait until next year for my family to get together and roast me mercilessly?
Apparently, my superpower is being invisible to bartenders.
I bet the people worried about what’s in the vaccine never even take a peek in the kitchen when they eat in a restaurant
turkey? Nope. I haven’t seen a turkey