*Seductively turns all your toilet tissue rolls the wrong way…
You Might Also Like
“Time is of the essence”
Twitter: Hahaha nope
Parents today:
Text me when you get there, text me the names of the kids who are there, text me when you’re coming home.Parents in the 80s:
Bye.
Am I the only one who was a kid in the 80’s that thought I would have more life challenges dealing with quicksand and lava?
when the bartender skips over you for a much hotter customer
Movie Studio Chief: We’ve made “Batman.” We’ve made “The Batman.” What’s next?
Me: “The The Batman”?
Dye packets but for the person who takes the last donut.
Meditation is fun when you want to do nothing for an hour but still feel a sense of accomplishment.
if zombies drank more water their skin would look way healthier than that.
I just saw a woman walk out of the pizza place with 8 large pizzas. Stay with me I’m gonna live stream my proposal..
My personal style is best described as “didn’t expect to get out of the car.”
*calls psychic hotline*
Psychic: how can I help you?
Me: well this is bullshit.
I am buying these mints because they are more violent than other mints
GOD: Done.
ANGEL: What is it?
GOD: An ostrich.
ANGEL: So it can fly, right?
GOD: This one’s a runnin’ bird.
ANGEL: I think you need a break dude
[cat adoption agency]
Counselor: …*slowly pushes my application off the counter*
Me: What the hell?
Counselor: You’re not ready
If you’ve seen one shopping centre, you’ve seen a mall.
Him: I like a girl who’s a good host
Me: *trying to impress him* I’ve had a tapeworm in my intestine for YEARS
*Holds an old lady’s hand as I help her across the street*
don’t worry ma’am i’m sure the doctors can sew it back on
It’s amazing that no one at this swim up bar has had to go to the bathroom in the last three hours.
A group of guys with ponytails is called a flock of Steven Seagulls
if we all just stop paying bills at the same time what they gon do
me: where’s the milk?
supermarket clerk: by the eggs
me: no i just want milk
While staying at hotels, I always ask for the oil stained parking lot view
Interviewer: According to your resume, you’re one of the greatest fiction writers the world has ever known
Me: Yes, I wrote that
OK THERE. DID I PASS YOUR STUPID SOBRIETY TEST YET?
Cop: Sir, you’re still laying on the ground where you fell down.
Apparently the rebooted bible will feature a female Jesus, and Moses will be a raccoon
Doctor, reaching for a piece of paper: “Are you on any meds?”
Me: “You might want to grab a notebook.”
[at a dinner party]
Me: I saw a UFO once
Wife: It was a frisbee
Me: At the park
Wife: Frisbee
Me: I took a pic
Wife: Of a frisbee in the air
Me: *shows pic*
Friend: Looks like a…
Wife: Frisbee
The most embarrassing thing on my phone is my calculator history
if Barbie’s elbows or knees bend when she puts on clothes i’m out
Sci-Fi Author: In my book I invented the Torment Nexus as a cautionary tale
Tech Company: At long last, we have created the Torment Nexus from classic sci-fi novel Don’t Create The Torment Nexus