me: I can’t tell you how long I’ve been waiting
clock repairman: I’m doing my best
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I’m 6’ and I’m built like someone who overestimates by four inches
So I guess pigeons are actually wealthy: “Racing pigeon sells for record $1.9 million after frantic bidding war.”
We are all damned fools. He tried to warn us, but we didn’t have ears to hear.
Now all I can see is that horrific smile. That knowing gaze born of higher-knowledge which says, “It is too late.”
The Papa John’s Day of Reckoning has come.
#coronapocalypse
#QuarantineAndChill
You have a really old bottle of hair care product in your shower. You have a pre-existing conditioner.
Me: Trust me, I’ve got everything under control.
Narrator: lmao you know what I’m ’bout to say..
Maybe I’m like Spider-Man except I got bit by a radioactive sloth.
When I see a job ad that doesn’t have salary listed I send them a resume with my whole work history redacted
My eyes are up here, buddy. Stop looking at my spaghetti sauce stain.
Spent the day at the zoo watching animal parents sleeping. Currently building a cage around my house.
me: what’s your favorite part of fall?
4: jumping in piles of leaves
me: that’s fun. do you like anything else?
4: money
“so doc… am I dying?”
“we’re all dying, just at different speeds”
“but what about me”
“You’re like, the Usain Bolt of dying dude lmao”
Okay friends, gonna start reading Garfield comics please don’t spoil which day he doesn’t like for me.
My dentist just looked in my mouth and said something is gonna have to come out. I suspect he’s talking about my wallet.
Long underwear is the fur that God forgot to give us.
My doctor: you really need to work on getting that D into you
Me: bro I’m trying, I’ve got a date next week and everything
My 4-year-old daughter wants anything she sees in a commercial.
Today I had to explain to her why I can’t get her Viagra.
It would be cool if a jar of Nutella had more than one serving in it…
I love how we all talk about The Last Supper painting & nobody mentions that all 13 of those guys were sitting on the same side of the booth
I scream, you scream, we all scream, while I’m crawling under the bathroom stall to say hi to you.
[texting]
you mean the wolf to me
-wolf?
ha! autocorrect fail!
-lol
what i meant to say was…you’re a mean wolf to me
if ever go missing please only put pictures of me on the news where i look skinny and hot even if that means they won’t find me
Ted Cruz continues to be a trailblazer as he becomes the first Hispanic person to flee FROM Texas TO Mexico because of ICE
Not sure why I am thinking tonight about our elderly neighbor when I was 7, who had giant bountiful pear trees on his property. One day he stopped by unexpectedly with a bushel of pears, and after my mom, surprised and delighted, had thanked him, he handed her a bill for them.
New Tinder profile.
5: Whose car is this?
Grandfather: Well, let’s figure it out. I just got here and the car just got here. Whose car do you think it is?
5: Mine.
[puts cone of shame on dog]
ME: (to dog) sory buddy
DOG: (to all other dogs in neighborhod) BOW DOWN TO LORD FLOFFYTON HEARER OF ALL BARKS
Kurt Cobain: come as you are, as you were, as I want you to be
Me: in a duck costume
Kurt Cobain: not like that