Until you’ve tried to start a conga line at a funeral, don’t tell me about your drinking problem.
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I blame movies for giving me unrealistic expectations about how long I can look away from the road while driving.
<~>Fortune Cookie<~>
We see you put egg roll from buffet in purse. Very bad woman.
at my physical this week the male nurse was going through my history & asking if I still take xy&z meds and he goes “do you still take IUD?” I stared at him for a sec and said “it’s still…in me…yes.” he goes “oh it’s an implant, ok.” sir you are a NURSE 😭
I always hold open doors and let ladies through first because, you know, snipers.
oh you don’t want my dog to bark at you? then why would you stand calmly within a 2 mile radius of my house
Playing dead in the supermarket to avoid having a conversation with someone you know attracts more attention than I anticipated…go figure.
4: “Can I say fuh?”
Me: “Don’t…”
4: “Can I say king?!”
Me: “NoooOOOOOOO!”
My followers are dropping like flies it must be that new perfume I bought.
Sorry, but your kids don’t look adorable when they lose their teeth, they look like tiny homeless people.
‘Pardon my French’ -People who you would never pardon and who don’t know any French
I avoided Walmart like the plague before it was the plague
Are you ok, human???
Anyone else notice Independence Day is July 4th? Maybe we can work it into our 4th of July celebrations.
Me: I have bad news about, Bob
Friend: Bob from work that always fakes his own death?
Me: *Drops shovel* Oh no
I hate when people refer to some tv shows or snacks as “guilty pleasures.” You shouldn’t feel guilty based on what you’re eating or watching. You should feel guilty all the time.
Robber: Give me your phone and don’t try anything funny. *looks at my tweets* Ok, I see that you haven’t.
[I go to Hell and everything appears to be virtually identical to Earth]
“Well this isn’t so bad”, I say
[I immediately notice that my voice sounds exactly like I do on a tape recorder]
Apparently If ur BF says “if anything happens to me,I want u to meet someone new….”
“anything” doesn’t include getting stuck in
traffic.
Me: “hey what time do you want to eat dinner?”
Him: “I dunno, I’m not picky. 6:30, 7?”
Me, *to myself* “damn, that’s specific”
Me, into the phone, “Yes, table for two for 6:37.”
Oh honey, when I said I wanted to grind your face I meant with a meat grinder
A 12 step program but it’s just me getting off the couch.
*calls bullshit
Bullshit: Who gave you my number.
a beautiful woman should never have to send an email. yet such tragedies occur everyday
basketball’s all like gimme that pumpkin i need it and golf is all like ***k this egg imma hit it into the sun
If you don’t have a dog whistle, you can use two teenage girls who have not seen each other in forever.
The IUD is the Beyond Burger of contraceptives because we can all agree it’s for the best but also what did I just put inside me?
There’s a guy in this Taco Bell bathroom stall so loud I’m not sure if it’s performance art or a solstice goat sacrifice.
People are shitting on gorilla kid’s mom for not watching. My mom had three kids under 5. I could’ve run a terrorist cell outta my treehouse
What’s the difference between a $20 steak and a $85 steak?
February 14th.
I often think of the time I thought I had lost my phone and spent five minutes looking for it while ON THE PHONE with my sister. As I was looking, she asked if I wanted her to call it. We are geniuses.