Oh really, we have nothing in common? Then how do you explain neither of us being able to stand me
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Went for a drug test today in my glasses with a mask on the entire time. I could have sent someone else.
When you finally get the courage to get on the scale after avoiding it for a while it’s called “bweighvery.”
I bought 334 books, 23 t-shirts, 16 bumper stickers, and went to 73 seminars about getting my impulsive compulsive buying disorder under control. For once, I finally got a handle on it.
I’ve saved so much money I put a down payment on a Siberian tiger.
I was irrationally angry when I realized there were no actual raccoons in Resident Evil
My wife has been binge watching episodes of snapped, so I cancelled my life insurance policy, and haven’t slept or eaten in days.
What if life is just a big test to see how well we all treat birds?
“I just happen to love birds!” I yell out the window unconvincingly
Note to self: when in a bank and your kids are climbing on the chairs. Don’t yell…
GET DOWN!
Me: I don’t appreciate being unexpectedly hit with goose liver.
Waiter: I’m sorry for throwing you a surprise pâté.
When a cop tells you to get out of your car, it’s not so he can take a selfie with you. Now I know.
Why does my back always hurt?” I say while never sitting upright in a chair.
Mom can you come get me?
I wished someone happy birthdsy in the group chat and now everyone is saying birthdsy
Wife: cuddle?
Me: ok
Wife: I mean with me
Me: *with my teddy bear* right
You god damn morons. All these celebrity nudes were leaked by the Illuminati to distract us from important shit like karate and hoverboards.
My wife told me, “I look really fat. Please make me feel better and compliment me.”
I said, “You have perfect eyesight.”
Getting a man to do something I’m perfectly capable of doing.
You left a note on the fridge saying “This isn’t working. Goodbye” but I opened it and it was working perfectly well. I don’t get it.
*bunny hops to the smell of bacon cooking
be careful when u talk baby talk to a baby becuase if u dont understand what ur saying u may acidentaly be declaring war in baby langauge
At least I can garauntee that if I’m murdered nobody is going to pull that whole, ‘She lit up a room’ crap.
ME: *puts my hair in a bun*
WAITER: gross
Him: Do you have any food in your purse?
Me: I call it my Snack pocket. My snocket.
Him: Not all words need to be-
Me: ALL OPTIONS SHOULD BE EXPLORED DO YOU WANT THIS Ziplock OF WARM BABY CARROTS OR NOT?
I always yell “FORE” when I’m throwing golf clubs out of my car at joggers.
@truegritrumble @funTweeters The equivalent happened to my mate – he got a bag of carrots for his lunch, his daughter’s horse got his sandwiches
In my day, no one checked how old you were when you started kindergarten. We got left at the door and told to look 5.
*puts my hair in a ponytail
IG influencer: here’s why we don’t do that.
Mum’s will be like, “I am not here to tell you what to do” and tell you anyway.
you, a dumb idiot: today is friday the 13th
me, a wise genius: there have been way more than 13 fridays
Top Seven Cereal Brands with Sexual Innuendo:
6. Lucky Charms
5. Cream of Wheat
4. Grape Nuts
3. Trix
2. Honey Smacks
1. Nut ‘n Honey
I can’t be a sellout. I have no idea what anyone wants.