My kid yelled she couldn’t wait to be an adult so I handed her the bills, threw the laundry on her bed, replaced her pizza with cauliflower, redirected my student loan calls to her phone and demanded she get me a snack every time she tried to go to the restroom.
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Goth karate is easy because you already start off with a black belt.
her: what’s your last name?
me: it’s French
her: that’s nice dear, but what is it?
me: no my last name is literally just French.
her: oh how fun, do you speak French?
me: idk do you speak Johnson, Barbara?
*eating chips for breakfast at 3 pm*
I wish I had a better metabolism
i catch her eye from across the room
she smiles
i make my way thru the crowd
we meet
“hi”
hi
“here’s your eye back”
thanks nice catch
The invention of locks was a key turning point in history.
[intensive care]
NURSE: I’ll never leave your side, DO YOU HEAR ME?!
ME [patient]: wow, I didn’t realize how intense the care was here.
How long after the expiration date can you eat chicken. Is it three days? I guess we’re all going to find out together
what’s wrong babe? you haven’t touched your shrekfast yet
[commercial for tupperware]
Are you done with that food, but would rather throw it away in 3 weeks rather than right now?
– Tupperware
I asked my kid to sweep the floor and she said “Okay, but only if I can mop too”, so now I need to figure out whose baby I accidentally took home from the hospital
Would you rather have ten thousand dollars or five dollars for every time you thought you were hilarious but no one laughed?
Sign in the window of one of our local bookshops!
When the grid crashes and there’s no other way of communicating, we’ll see whose drum circle is “stupid”.
do u think spider-man ever shot a little of his own web in his mouth just to see what it tastes like
Me: Why’d my bill go up?
AT&T: u got rid of ur land-line
M: But it should cost less if I have fewer services.
AT&T: And we threw in a donkey
M: I don’t want a donkey.
AT&T: Donkey removal is an extra $50
can’t wait to fulfill my lifelong dream of going to japan and buying a samurai sword out of a vending machine
I like my men, like I like my coffee.
So hot, that I have to keep blowing.
Kid: Daddy can I give some of my candy to that duck?
Me: No, ducks only eat things they find in nature, like bread.
I accidentally wore a beetle inside. Neither party was happy about this.
Dog The Bounty Hunter’s greatest weakness is getting distracted when the fugitive throws a tennis ball.
Due to inflation, alien abduction no longer comes with free probes. Humans are required to bring their own probes, or may purchase a probe on board the spacecraft for a moderate fee.
We’re gonna catapult that guy into next Tuesday!
Pedant: Actually…
[pedant being being hurled across the sky via trebuchet]
Chihuahua is my favorite pet that is also the sound I make during a bikini wax.
I’m not saying I’ve got a girl crush on you, I’m just saying lesbiadorable together.
Started watching the latest James Bond film last night. He’s in Italy in the beginning. Didn’t see one Olive Garden.
“I need a beer, you want one?”
– me, helping my son with his Legos
7YR OLD: dad, when Bruno Mars sings “so many pretty girls around me & they waking up the rocket,” what’s he mean?
ME: he’s a NASA scientist
ALEX TREBEK: well that’s important work you’re doing; the orphanage probably loves you
CONTESTANT: thank you
ME, SWEATING:
TREBEK: Matt, from new york, it says here you once got your hand stuck in a sink, tell us about that
Maybe your jeans are distressed because you’re wearing them?
If only vehicles could be equipped with little blinky lights on the corners to alert other drivers the direction they wished to turn…