If I were British I would carry around a monicle and drop it whenever I was horrified
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Wondering when these skinny jeans are gonna kick in.
I wonder why nobody told Forrest Gump’s mom that all you have to do is flip over the box of chocolates and it tells you what’s inside.
*stomps feet twice and claps over and over until everyone at the funeral is doing it* “we will…we will..miss you”
Doesn’t everyone lie on a first date and say they love the outdoors just like they lie in an interview and say they’re proficient at Excel?
4yo: WHY HAVEN’T YOU TAKEN ME TO SEE THE KILLER WHALES
Me: Well, I guess because—
4yo: THEY LIVE IN ANTARCTICA
Me: I mean, that’s part of the—
4yo: I HAVE BOOTS
I forgot the word for decaf so called it a despresso
Until you’ve tried to start a conga line at a funeral, don’t tell me about your drinking problem.
Fitness tip: It’s absolutely crucial to take “rest days” when working out so you don’t get hurt. I’ve recently taken over 300 of them.
[bedroom]
Me getting out whipped cream: I’ve been waiting for this
Gf: kinky, I like it
Me already eating pie: what
me: we should tell our son he’s adopted
wife: but he isn’t
me: I know but I’m bored
How much for the sentient racist skeleton?
“Sir, that’s Ann Coulter…”
Me, first day as a prosecutor: *whispering* ᵍᵘⁱˡᵗʸ ᵖᵉᵒᵖˡᵉ ˢᵃʸ ʷʰᵃᵗ
Defendant: What?
Me: I rest my case, your Honor.
ME: *smashes bottle into a ship*
MAN: Oh cool, what are you naming it?
ME: I’m not *smashes another bottle* I just hate ships
them: did you know …
me: lemme stop you right there, pal you could fill an Amazon warehouse with what I don’t know
[Restaurant]
Waiter: “Do you have any room for dessert?”
Me: *thinking of my secret cake room*
“What have you heard?”
Waitress: Is everything ok?
Me: WHAT HAVE YOU HEARD?
Putting a little orange juice on my hands before I go to the butterfly pavilion so people think I have a special gift
My wife wants to rent a wood chipper next weekend, in case I suddenly stop tweeting,
A guy on Catfish dated a girl for 4 years despite only seeing ONE picture of her. I wouldn’t buy a futon on Craigslist with only one pic.
I automatically write off anything Donald Trump says because someone with that much money has no excuse for that hair.
My 5yo just came out of bed saying she yawned so hard her blankets came off, and honestly that’s like, groundbreaking work in the bedtime excuses field.
[at a wine tasting]
Me: *sips and swishes*
Employee: Sir, you can’t drink inside the grocery store
MOM: why are you dropping breadcrumbs
ME: in case we get lost
MOM: we’re in an ikea
ME:
MOM: give me some breadcrumbs too
DIRTY HARRY [points gun] Go ahead make my day
*I take him to the zoo & then the park, we have ice cream*
DH: well this has been wonderful
Doctor: I’m afraid you’ve got chronic updog
Me, embarrassed that I don’t know what the word chronic means: ah well, you win some you lose some
[God making peaches]
ANGEL: we already have nectarines
GOD: [taking bong rip] lmao, put hair on them
ANGEL: what
GOD: what
[kung fu fight]
“Your tiger claw is no match for my crane.”
*starts lifting heavy building materials*
Where the hell are all the scissors?!
– a parenting memoir
Mom: Do you have any idea how painful it was to carry you in my womb for 9 months?
Me: If the last time I hurt you was 37 years ago, I’d say you’re winning in this relationship.