My kids got to know me a little more yesterday. They learned my first pet’s name, my high school mascot, where I was born, my mother’s maiden name. Even after learning all these things, they still weren’t able to hack into my email account.
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Found an ibuprofen on the floor and immediately popped it in my mouth because I’m sure something hurts somewhere.
me: one time during a seance i spilled my beer on the ouija board & accidentally turned my friend into a chipmunk.
guy sitting next to me at the bar: did he ever get turned back into a person?
me: (pointing to the chipmunk sitting next to me drinking an ipa) you tell me
These e-cigarettes keep getting bigger and bigger. I swear I just saw someone smoking a clarinet.
Surprise parties for Lindsey Lohan probably have that “Intervention-y” feeling at first.
Give a man a fish and he’ll see if there are microwave instructions on the side.
Boeing’s commercial spacecraft will be undergoing its final test flight tonight. Knock on wood, guys! But not too hard, it’s a Boeing
*opens my lunch of hard boiled eggs, pickles and kombucha *
Why does everyone on this bus hate me?
Someone asked me to go for a walk and all I can think of is why does my dog get so excited when I ask him if he wants to go for walk?
Finishing up my time machine. Bolting down the flux capacitor now. I’ll start small and go back a couple of seconds just to see if it works.
Them: you should buy crypto
Me:
Them: ok sell it now
Me:
Them: nvm buy it back
Me:
Them: OMG SELL IT
Me: [pulls AirPods out] what
[special ops briefing]
Leader: We’re going in deep & hard in the middle of the night
Me: I bet you say that to all the boys
L: Get out
I’m not necessarily saying it’s been a while since I sorted out my spice cupboard, but I have just found some star anise that’s technically eligible to vote.
even bears disappoint their mothers
I thought this house was haunted by a ghost but it turned out it was Bruce Willis the whole time. Also, I broke into Bruce Willis’ house.
They say, “don’t hate the player, hate the game,” but I’ve got enough hate to do both.
Whoever came up with the phrase “actions speak louder than words” sure as shit never heard my 5 year old’s words
this makes me so uncomfortable
I think people who use “go fly a kite” as an insult don’t really understand kites or insults.
me: [lays trail of petals directly to the bed] she’ll love this
midwife: she won’t
on my monopoly game the community chest cards say shit like: THE REALTOR SHOWING THE HOUSE ACROSS THE STREET GIVES YOU $50 TO CLOSE YOUR GARAGE DOOR
How many boats could Lisa Kudrow row if Lisa Kudrow could row boats?
“An eye for an eye?”
– a cannibal at a swap meet
Expressing laughter as “tee-hee” is only acceptable in written form.
Everybody knows that.
I hate when I’m running on the treadmill for half an hour and look down to see it’s been 4 minutes.
a midwest state really had a “husband calling” competition
My patience has stretch marks.
Kid being grounded in 1978:
YOU CAN’T GO OUTSIDE. YOU MUST STAY IN YOUR ROOM.
Kid being grounded in 2018:
YOU CAN’T STAY IN YOUR ROOM. YOU MUST GO OUTSIDE.
Gave this artichoke the heimlich maneuver and now he’s artiokay.
[Preparing for a heist]
Boss: Whoa! You brought in new guys? They aint gonna squeal are they?
Me *with a gang of doves*: Naw man, they coo