Report: Scientist walks in on climate changing, awkwardness ensues
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I just don’t know what to make of people anymore.
-Cannibal who’s out of dinner ideas
Pandas are seen as useless because they lack energy, they don’t have sex and they have extremely poor diets. I am basically a panda.
Ummm yeah I want one of those phone case’s where I can put my credit cards in with my phone so when I lose my phone I’m also broke. Genius!
Me: *putting on docuseries about the “Yorkshire Ripper”*
Husband: isn’t that the guy who made weird pudding out of people?
I would follow a stranger into a dark alley if they promised me potato wedges
As a kid I only had the box of 8, but now that I’m an adult I can afford to eat an entire 64-count box of crayons.
I believe in healthy eating so today I’ll be making a Cadbury egg omelet.
I have a huge advantage in Wordle because I have had the alphabet memorized for over 10 years.
Her: Why do you keep buying iPhones & iPads?
Me: An Apple a day keeps the doctor away
Curious George Turns Off Google Image Safe Search
I just heard a lady sitting at the table next to me say, “My burger is confusing.”
That’s it. I’m done with people.
I couldn’t find a bowl so Flora is drinking from a margarita glass
[first date]
Her: Are you wearing a wire?
Me: *realizing I forgot to take the hanger out of my shirt before putting it on*
[Ocean’s 14]
Danny Ocean: We’re going to steal the world’s largest ball of twine
Daughters wanted to show support for me so they wrote out, “I LOVE D!” and – adore them – but THAT’S gonna get an immediate course correction
What idiot called it a successful vasectomy and not getting out of the gene pool
A 5-year-old just asked me if I’d ever heard of algae. You bet I have you little weirdo!
In case you’re considering having kids, I’ve been awake since sunrise trying to fulfill breakfast requests of: 1. Pancakes 2. Pizza 3. Green
“Home Alone” and “Die Hard” are my top picks for celebrating Christmas in 2020. I’m not talking about movies.
Does anybody know how many toddlers you have to bring to ‘Toys For Tots’ before you’re eligible for an Xbox?
I wished I loved anything as much as white people love saying “gracias” at Mexican restaurants.
[first time paying taxes]
me: how much do I owe?
irs: 🙂
me: am I supposed to guess?
irs: :)))
me: what if I guess wrong?
irs: :))))))))))))))))))
He asked why I put my stick figures on my dash, not the bumper.
I had to explain that it was an actual photo of my relatives.
GPS: You’re not really lost, you just want someone to talk to.
My wife says I can’t be a Twitter Dom until I finish my chores.
To the woman a booth over who said “There’s nothing worse than cold toast!”
I want your life.
Preowned Jaguar for sale. Beloved family member, excellent shape. Wife forced me to put her up for sale after she (the jaguar) ate the kids.
[in the backyard enjoying the morning sounds of nature] ahh the forest creatures are mad the football team lost.
him: your so cute! why are you alone!?
me: you’re
him: …
me: hello? hello?