My day has been so awful I keep looking around to see if Nicolas Cage is in it.
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Him: your so funny, smart & beautiful how are you still single
Me: *you’re
me, sober: ugh, i’m never leaving my house again, people are trash.
me, after 3 beers: *on a megaphone* ATTENTION EVERYONE IN MY NEIGHBORHOOD I WOULD LIKE TO PAY YOUR ELECTRICITY BILL THIS MONTH
Nannying is like a stay at home mom internship
son: Why do people tell jokes?
me: To make other people laugh
son: So why do you tell jokes?
– Shout!
-Me:
– Shout!
-Me:
-Let it all out!!!
-Me: *shouting and letting it all out*
-These are the things i can do without.
-Me:
[Looking at ultrasound monitor with my wife]
Wife: Look at it’s little heart beating! Isn’t it amazing…
Me: It looks like a crossiant
Spins a web.
Any size.
Catches thieves.
Just like flies.
He waits.
The thieves come.
The web is sticky. The more they struggle, the more entangled they become.
He cocoons them and drains their fluids. The rest will feed his young.
Look out.
Here comes the Spider-Man.
My neighbors started Christmas decorating right after they ran out of Halloween candy so I called the police.
[Youth Pastor voice] You know who else got a surprise visit from the authorities?
When I say that I’m on low battery and can’t talk, rest assured I’m never talking about my phone.
On the phone:
Me – Do you have brown or beige gravy for Thanksgiving?
Mom – Brown, why?
Me – No reason.
(Pulls out brown shirt for preemptive spills)
We have great news. We’re pregnant!
-Awesome! Do u know the sex yet?
Of course we know ‘the sex’. How do u think we got pregnant, silly?
posted the “what are my red flags” thing on instagram and not a single person replied. just as i suspected, i am perfect.
That stupid look on my face, is my face
Coworker: Good morning
Me (suddenly realizing this is my first interaction of the day): How are go?
[me, to my brother] I can’t believe we’ve never been to Coachella
[my Ukrainian grandfather] when I your age, bear eat my wife
Based on the sounds coming from my neighbors’ house, they’re either having amazing sex or putting together a dresser from Ikea.
Always carry a newspaper or magazine so you appear to be preoccupied. – stalker handbook page 2 paragraph 3
Remember the days we could get out of bed without looking like a newborn pony trying to walk?
Good times.
I fill the pantry with healthy snacks and then get mad when we don’t have any junk food in the house.
First Guy To Compare Apples to Oranges: Apples and oranges are pretty similar.
Other Guy: You’re an idiot. That’s like comparing…well…I don’t even know what, but that’s just stupid. This is why nobody likes you, Carl.
On Amazon looking for a cat water fountain and 😂😂😂
Welp. Looks like I’m the only parent drinking a beer for this “Meet The New Wrestling Coach” zoom meeting.
Machine uprising? Ha! What can they do? Toaster gonna burn my bagel? Vending machine gonna steal my money?
Like they do now… Holy shit.
This is no longer an app but a mishapp
During a natural disaster be sure to keep your phone with you at all times. You never know when you might think of a joke to tweet.
Gods work.
Cellmate, menacing: what are you in for
Me, thru gritted teeth: breaking the law
How to get out of a car in front of a large crowd of people
Step 1: forget to take your seat belt off
The most stressful part of my day is when my 5 year old shows me what he made in Arts & Crafts and I have to guess what it is.