One thing they teach in nursing school is when your patient is being questioned by police, to step in with “that’s enough for today, he needs to rest” right after he gives a key piece of information, but one sentence short of him telling the whole story.
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No one running the NFL Insta account saw a problem here
So glad our house has 3 bathrooms so all of my kids can argue while brushing their teeth in mine.
fellas, if your girl:
•has got it going on
•she’s all you want
•you’ve waited for so longshe’s not your girl, she’s stacey’s mom
Stranger things? You should see Tinder.
My neighbor, watching me take out all the recycling, exclaimed “Yikes! at least you won’t need to order anything next week!” I laughed and laughed and then signed into Amazon
“There are a lot of dead bodies, but it’s okay because they look more like ham.”
-my daughter describing her video game
Larry Hagman- dreams of Jeannie
Larry Hangman- d_ea_s _f _ea_ _ie
The workers will arrive to install something in the kitchen. Let that sink in.
“Do you expect me to talk?” He asks.
“No, Mr Bond.” I reply, loading Titanic into the Blu Ray player, “I expect you to cry.”
The whole “limiting myself to one glass of wine a day” thing is going really great. I’m like 5 years ahead of schedule.
16 yo me: *about to take math final* You got this.
26 yo me: *about to run a marathon* You got this.
36 yo me: *about to start a movie after 8pm* You got this.
I may not understand women, but cheeseburgers have never sent me mixed signals, and for that they’ll always have my heart.
Why is Gorgeous the only thing you can be Drop-Dead. I wanna be drop-dead silly. Let my enemies crumble before me, overcome by the depths of my whimsy
when it’s finally the weekend but you promised your wife you’d deal with the orc infestation in the basement
I am on a diet. This is just my cheat decade
Why would Sally sell seashells by the seashore? There are plenty there that are free. Just walk and you are bound to find at least 40. Idiot
You’re not a geek or a nerd because you always have to have the latest high tech gadgets and electronics. YOU’RE RICH
If anyone needs me, I’ll be spending the rest of my life under this bathroom light that gives my abs a hint of definition.
“Last call for flight 254”
[Runs to gate]
“You barely made it”
[out of breath] This isnt my flight. I just wanted to tell you I’m a vegan
Theres a dating website for people that believe the government is ran by lizard people so I really have no excuse for being single
I said I was thinking about you. I left out the part with the wood chipper.
<——-Wants the burger
<——-Needs the salad
Wife: Don’t you hate when you eat something that’s not very satisfying but it’s too late to eat something else?
Me: Too late?
Cops are always like “Where were you when the murder took place” and never “How were you when the murder took place”
Bathroom stall doors should have peepholes so you don’t have to awkwardly knock if someone is in there
inside you there are two rabbits. now there are 3. 4… 5! Oh dear God..
[Cave, present day]
Archeologist [Finding a cave painting]
Wow! This is incredible![Cave, thousands of years ago]
Caveman [Finding paint smeared on wall]
What the…KIIIIIIIDDDDS!
[First Date]
HER: Do you consider yourself a feminist?
ME: Oh I’m not feminist at all!
HER:
ME: In fact, some of my best friends are women.
The beastie boys didn’t prepare me for all of the rights we actually have to fight for.
Interviewer: what’s your greatest weakness?
Me: I use bad words
Interviewer: *laughing* that’s okay, we’re pretty tolerant around here
Me: well that’s extrusively marblous to hear