Vodka giveth and vodka taketh away…
It giveth me a hangover and taketh away my underpants.
Amen.
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Just when you think you’re raising a normal child, one day you look at your 10 y/o and she’s biting into the middle of the taco first.
Every Political Ad Ever:
I’m a rich guy who’s not like the other rich guy he’s a total douche.
*Paid for by my rich guy friends*
So is this super moon just, like, our mild-mannered regular moon that took off its glasses?
Proud of my teen for keeping a straight face when she told her friend I’m 25. That friend’s gonna have some questions, but that’s what she gets for asking my age.
would love to see a prequel to Titanic where we see Jack completely unable to climb onto a floating pool toy and we all go “ahh makes sense”
You: *makes tiniest movement on sofa*
Someone: “you going to the kitchen?”
Coffee: hi
Me: hey
*slow 80’s saxophone starts playing*
*house explodes into flames*
Kids: mom, what’s for dinner?
I’ve got 99 chores but I ain’t done one. ~Lay-Z
When you order 20 bananas and end up with 20 *bunches*…
Sometimes I go to the store for a battery, and come out with cotton balls, spray paint, cereal, and a lamp.
Them: You should try keto
Me:
Friend: Hi, How have you been?
Me: Why? What have you heard?
See if your child has learnt any swear words yet, by turning the wifi off while they’re playing minecraft.
*partner holding up finger and thumb almost touching*
Her: I am THIS close to snapping. Be warned.
Me: *gently* Aw honey they have to actually touch if you want to snap them!
*general murder sounds*
[At Justice League headquarters]
Batman: Alright, everyone. Rent’s due. I have my share, obviously. Hows everyone else paying?
Superman: [signs over a paycheck from The Daily Planet]
The Flash: [runs to the ATM]
Aquaman: [dumps a pile of fish on the table]
Batman: WTF dude
How is the witch who imprisoned children that were eating her house the bad guy of the story?
Senior: *Gets diploma* I’m glad all the cliquey high school stuff is behind me
Principal: *Laughs for the rest of the graduation ceremony*
[guy named mark who successfully used his cloning machine] this is remarkable
I wrote ‘DIVORCE’, my wife wrote ‘YES’.
Tough way to find out, but at least I won our last game of Scrabble
Me: Thanks for taking the time
Interviewer at Facebook: Sure, let me start by telling you something about yourself
Women are like ripe peaches, they don’t keep as well in the refrigerator after they’ve been cut in half.
BAD: When your date has been in the Men’s Room for 45 mins.
WORSE: When the 6 yo girl at the table next to you says “he’s not coming back”
I just received a bottle of wine that was regifted 3 times before it cycled back to me.
So, basically, I bought myself a bottle of wine.
If someone insults you, the best revenge is to just ignore them and pretend it never bothered you. Although arson works too.
Siri says she is sorry but I’m not sure she means it
Amidst a decrease in airfare prices, WestJet has hiked the cost of checked bags and Flair has added a new credit card fee. Thankfully, Air Canada has stepped up and is offering an additional 50% off of your legroom!
The average person swallows 30-50 feral hogs in their sleep every year.
I think my microwave’s broken. I keep pressing the pizza button and no pizza is coming out
HER: I like talking during sex, but I can’t stand it when you narrate the whole thing
ME: As she complains, I begin removing my pants slowly