I called my pet rock Stoney, until one day it flew out the front door and hit a car that ran over my mailbox, now the police call it Evidence.
You Might Also Like
Eggplants do not taste as purple as they look
“FINISH HIM,” I scream, as Nana takes the last bite of her gingerbread man.
Took my twins to their swim class and the coach showed them how to float on their backs then asked if they had any questions. My boy twin asked if there was any cake and I think it was a fair question
excuse me, are you gonna finish those fries
me, interrupting a couple fighting
Goku in church: “This Jesus guy sounds really strong. I would have loved to fight against him!”
(Ok don’t let her know ur Jesus)
Girl: Meet my dad
*they shake hands*
*Dad stands up from wheelchair*
Dad: It’s a miracle!
Jesus: *facepalm*
cleared my schedule so Friday me will have a great day but Monday me is gonna be PISSED
Remember when Tarantino released that movie and there wasn’t a single dog or reservoir and we all just accepted it
Boss: I’m sorry but we have to let you go.
Me: Really? That’s not what these pics of you and your secretary said. They said I need a raise.
I never feel more betrayed than when my hair won’t cooperate because it’s too clean
HIM: I’m having a shit first day at my new job. Can I crash at your place?
HER: Sure. What’s your new job?
HIM: Airline pilot.
People who drink green tea, what’s the matcha with you?!
I would love my job so much more if I didn’t have to hide my flask.
Science: Domesticated dogs are most closely related to gray wolves.
My dog: I won’t go outside because it looks damp.
These lovely people in a very nice car stopped by our house to buy a bike and they looked horrified the entire time, and it was only as they left that I remembered I had strung a bunch of literal animal bones in the trees for a Halloween party.
Like there is almost no cell service where we live we can’t do this to people.
[playing chess]
FRIEND: [moves within striking distance of king] Jumanji
ME: no you say check haha
[sound of clattering hooves increases]
A super villain who foils all your plots, but your plots are just lasagnas and he makes them cook super unevenly.
I just ate a kid’s meal at McDonald’s. His mom tried to stop me but I’m too fast
wife: Did you work late?
[flashback to me missing my exit because the car in front of me had Shrek on and I wanted to see the ending]
me:Yep
Me: *completes lifestyle questionnaire*
Life expectancy app: Well, this is awkward.
The mailman told my husband he banged every woman on the block, except for 1, I told him it had to be Carol next door, she’s really not friendly
I will straight up walk into traffic to avoid a kid selling something.
This video (reduced to a 17 second gif) created by British psychological professor Richard Wiseman demonstrates the power of perspective in creating illusions. It’s titled, “Assumptions”
I found a Squirtle in my pants & I’m not even playing Pokémon Go!
HE DRINKS A WHISKEY DRINK
HE DRINKS A VODKA DRINK
HE DRINKS A LAGER DRINK
HE DRINKS A CIDER DRINK
HE SINGS THE SONGS THAT REMIND HIM OF THE GOOD TIMES
HE TELLS HIS DOCTOR THAT HE ONLY DRINKS LIKE MAYBE ONCE OR TWICE A WEEK HONESTLY ITS JUST KIND OF A SOCIAL THING
OHHHHHHHH
*brings a mattress to a trust fall*
Me: Want a back rub?
Wife: It depends
Me: On what?
Wife: Have you been watching pimple popping videos again?
Me:
Wife: No. The answer is no.
Jail
I just found out that my mechanic doesn’t drive.
Her: You’re really rockin’ those white pants.
Me: These are my legs.