All the single ladies. All the single ladies. All the single ladies. Now put your hands up! Lol. But seriously, ladies. This is a robbery.
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There’s no graceful way to shove a chocolate truffle in your mouth during an important Zoom meeting.
My husband said we need to have an important talk, and guess what it was about? Time Travel. 👍🤣❤️
I envy those who look beautiful with a messy bun and not me who looks like I either just climbed out of a ditch or played with an outlet with a fork.
Just heard local reports of a stalker, which is funny because I watch everyone through their windows and none of them look suspicious
my favorite coworker in meetings:
2019: whoever brings snacks
2020: whoever offers to take notes
2021: whoever cancels the meeting
I consider it a personal victory everytime that I don’t ask a person wearing a leg cast if they’ve broken their leg.
The most embarrassing thing about mistaking pilates class for pirates class is concealing my musket.
when you google “how to get chocolate syrup” it autofills “out of carpet,” so at least I know I’m not alone
Woke up this morning, looked in the mirror & said out loud, “You gotta bring it today!”
SO I’M GONNA BRING IT!
*brings lunch to work*
If you wrap yourself up in a blanket, you can show up to work late and say you were just rescued by the Coast Guard.
I just laid on my cat’s keyboard while he was working on a last minute PowerPoint presentation.
Ughhhh my neck is killing me ..
*how I slept
I’m young, but not “know exactly why I came into this room” young.
Got kicked out of the flat earth bar for offering to buy everyone a round.
It’s bullshit that Popeyes doesn’t sell spinach salad
Reminder: Please just hit the “RT” button on my tweets if you’re ugly. Don’t want people associating your busted face with my art.
We can land a rover on freakin Mars but still no single-button to push for the
¯_(ツ)_/¯ emoji
WELL, THEY NEED TO WALK A BIT QUICKER THEN, DON’T THEY?
Just heard a young parent say “Brantley is a demon child.” Well, you’re the one who named him Brantley. Maybe take a hard look in the mirror, Judith.
Roses are red,
I love mashed potato.
Poetry is hard,
laminator.#PoetryDay
I want to work in a Morgue, because if no one comes to claim the bodies, hey, free bodies.
Two things you need to know about me:
1. I am hung over.
2. Sometimes I say the word over for no reason.
“It’s not about the money.”
-people with money
i’m taking care of a guys owl next week and he just sent me this list of rules. what the hell
[my 1st day at press conference sign language translator job I lied on my résumé to get]
ME: *does Madonna’s Vogue choreography for 45 min*
It’s raining men because the aliens are returning the abductees in the most compelling way possible.
At what ages do your kids who are 10 years apart stop fighting with each other? Because it’s not 19 & 9 😒
I think I was like 19 years old before I realized pirates had English accents
*works out for six weeks
*loses 2 lbs
*eats a carrot
*gains it back
Can’t, I’m in big trouble with the wife. She just started a new diet and I brought home half a chocolate cake from the office.