Just ate at a Japanese restaurant and the entire staff was Hispanic. I don’t know what is real anymore!
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Wow your rib cage and hip bones look stunning !!!
Said No Man Ever
{my first day as an art critic}
this painting tastes like shit
Wearing polar fleece in the winter gives me a sense of security knowing I can jump start a car with my finger.
I’m told I look very good for a man twice my age.
Me: Let me taste and see how are those fries…
My kid: *speedily swallowing them* no need, I can tell you they are good.
GUY: Do you want to play fantasy baseball?
ME: Okay, I’m a pitcher with gills
Australia: geologist beaten up by “angriest octopus” on beach
When I worked as a restaurant critic, I wrote under a nom nom nom de plume
Everybody was Feng Shui fighting, those cats improved my ambient lighting.
“Someone offered me grapes, but I declined . I’m not used to consuming wine in pill form.” — University of Chicago
[after dinner]
Mugger: gimme your wallet.
Me: can I keep my drivers license?
Mugger: fine.
Me: [velcro sound].
Mugger: I can’t be seen with that.
Me: oh.
Mugger: gimme your shoes instead.
Me: [velcro sound].
Mugger: you know what forget it.
“i cnat believe this!” he yells as his beard of bees turns on him. “i would expect this from the others but not u” he says to 1 specific bee
i’m gonna need grocery stores to start contributing to black friday sales this year. i don’t need another big screen bro. what i need is to be able to afford cheese again.
Just going to bring my sleeping bag and camp out in the candy aisle at Dollar Tree. Wait. That sounds insane. Like I own a sleeping bag. I’ll just bring my blanket.
I’m like a fine wine…leave me out too long and I get rancid and you have to throw me out
There’s no actual reason to believe that eating this entire bag of Doritos will make me feel better. That’s why it’s called faith.
Me looking a movie I hated up on Rotten Tomatoes to make sure other people hated it too
me: listen pal no one talks to me that way
guy with british accent:
me: you’re so wet and i’m going to go down on you right here in public
waterslide operator: i’m gonna need you to stop talking out loud
Back-to-school tip for parents: while not explicitly forbidden, it is frowned upon to spray champagne on the hood of a departing school bus.
Whenever I see an unsecured WiFi, I just assume it’s owned by a chimpanzee sitting in a room and hitting a keyboard with a hammer.
I need a fifth of Wild Turkey, some meth, three sticks of dynamite and a Bible. I’ll explain later.
I know I’m not great at math, but I just can’t figure out how to 28 packs of fruit snacks are gone in 2.5 days when the kids say they “barely ate any.”
learn just enough tap dancing just to tap dance out of the room when you win an argument
A good relationship is when she is by your side during bad times to tell you that none of this would’ve happened if you had just listened to her.
“Donatello choose ur weapon”
“I’ll take a stick”
“Really not a sword? Nunchu..”
“A STICK”
“Ha I guess u wanna wear purple too?”
“…”
“Ugh”
You see a rat stealing pizza, I see a rat providing for his four turtle children
Phone
Me: I can’t. I can’t THINK right now. I CAN’T. Too exhausted.
Person: But if you could just—
Me: LISTEN to me. LISTEN. I CAN’T. No higher brain function. Stop asking. Too tired to think. Stop making words to me
Scientists claim that the Big Bang was the loudest noise that has ever occured in history. They obviously haven’t met my kids.
Posing with your cat to attract men is like posing with your cat to attract men,