OBGYN : What are you using for birth control?
Me: my personality
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Go to a doctor?
When there’s all this free advice on the internet?
having twitter is just like reading the newspaper except the newspaper is on fire and all the writers hate you
putting lotion on isn’t making your skin any less dry because you’re only addressing a symptom and not the source of the problem. You gotta drink that shit
[My 5 year old has a little crush on a nearby neighbor girl, and the girl stopped by]
Her: Hi!
Him, making a weird face: Hi.
Her: Hi.
Him: …
Her: …
Him: Hi.
Her: Hi.
Him: …THERE ARE BEES OUT IN MY YARD *runs away*
Alright, Mr. “In good times and in bad” I just painted my finger nails and I gotta pee. Let’s go.
WIFE: He never pays any attention to me. All he cares about is that dog.
THERAPIST: is this true?
ME: [sewing swim trunks for the dog] is what true?
Never understood when the movie rating says “May contain nudity.” Are there people on the ratings board who aren’t sure if they just saw someone naked?
I don’t believe that twitter is the place for arguments.
We all have family for that..
Me: Woohoo, I survived Thanksgiving! I can relax now.
Anxiety: Haha…Christmas.
me: I had some friends over for dinner, but they didn’t like the tacos I made
him: oh no, did you overreact-
me: no, I just threw them out
him: oh
me: then I ate the tacos
him:
I found a YouTube video demonstrating a 5 minute speed clean. It was 25 minutes long.
*steals someone’s soul*
*steals someone’s mate**Creates a soulmate*
Prevent future fights among your children by not owning any nice things.
[date]
HER: no more Scooby Doo imitations
ME: ok
WAITER: today’s special is baby octopus
ME: [Shaggy voice] zoinks
HER: I’m done
ME: ruh roh
Sex so bad the Oompa Loompas sang a song about it.
My signature move is putting on my reading glasses when I don’t understand what the person in front of me is saying.
this is one of the absolute funniest things hozier’s ever done and i stand by that
Amazed that my wife didn’t tell me that today our 8YO had a school field trip, for which both of us got multiple email reminders
[company all-hands Zoom call]
CEO: The future is ahead of us!
Me [unmuting]: Um. Yeah. That’s how time works.
Boss: “We are all going to have a bunch of Red Bull, bust out the chest of Adderall, be laser focused for about 4 hours, then die.”
After years of experiments, I have concluded that lighting a stranger’s cigarette is the only time you can flirt with someone by setting fire to one of their possessions.
Everyone makes mistakes. Please make yours far from me.
Good cop: you want coffee?
Bad cop: where did you hide the money?
Cop that freelances for BuzzFeed: answer these questions to find out what type of criminal you are
Before towels were invented people rubbed themselves against the carpet.
Cavemen who roamed the earth were Meander-thals.
Hairstylist: So…whatcha thinkin?
Me: This…(shows pic of supermodel)
Hairstylist: Aww… bless your heart
I got a facial tonight by hovering over the boiling water before throwing in the mac n cheese.
what did I do this weekend? saw 50 Shades Darker & coughed through the whole movie on purpose