Someone in one of the screen rooms at my theatre was eating pepperoni and I can’t tell if I’m repulsed by the smell or impressed by the audacity.
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Our ten-year wedding anniversary falls on Thanksgiving this year so [stuffs turkey with roses]
I hate it when restraining orders get in the way of meaningful relationships.
Well played future wife. You win this round
A hot girl in the hallway just smiled at me, but don’t worry; I yelled “I’m taken,” and ran into the men’s bathroom where she can’t follow.
Johnny Depp is proof that if you dress like you’re a member of a rock band long enough one will just form around you eventually
Him: I should of told you I loved you a long time ago.
Me: *starts crying* It’s should have.
The creepiest thing about spiders is their sexual attraction to spiders.
I tend to trust people who reek of garlic.
Was gonna go to the gym but then I checked Twitter. In 2009
*sings Hungry Eyes to the rotisserie chicken rack at Costco*
wife: *handing me a bowl of raspberries* we have to eat these before they go bad
me: that is true of literally every food
I think what finally pushes me over the edge will be the weapons-grade tweeness of one of those ‘[Verb] your [adjective]’ advertising slogans. ‘Find my amazing’? I’m afraid you’ve just made my deranged.
I just took my uncle Kevin for his Covid jab. A barely noticeable prick but someone had to take him.
*[At the dinner table]*
“No grandma, those aren’t knitting needles. We’re having Chinese food”
my co worker is getting married.
She said that she didn’t realize how expensive changing her last name is.
Her and her husband decided if they are going to spend money to have last names changed, they will choose something they both want.
Their new last name will be Nighthawk
The package proclaims that the Nasoya® baked, marinated tofu is “Ready to Eat,” but I will be honest w/you, I have no idea what to feed it.
9yo: Dad, how come you’re so good at Mario Kart but so bad at driving your car?
Me: Go to your room.
I want a girl with a short skirt and a loooooooooooooooooooong COVID
My father-in-law has 28 grandchildren and 45 great grandchildren and he has an excel spreadsheet that he refers to regularly so he can remember all their names.
do u think karl marx was a marxist bc of his last name or was it just a coincidence
Robert Downey Jr. will always be my hero, not because of Iron Man, but because he broke into someone’s home just to take a nap.
To the driver of the truck with the ENVYME vanity plate who took up two spaces and left me nowhere to park: Why would I envy someone with four freshly deflated tires?
“C’mon man, just as far as Cincinnati. I got a cousin there.”
(first week into weight watchers)
You think I can get an advance on next week’s calories?
Dog finds the fluffiest dogs in daycare, so he can nap on them.. 😊
dude it’s called proctologist
Kenny Rogers: You’ve got to know when to hold em’
Neo-natal nurse: awww
Kenny Rogers: And know when to fold em?
Neo-natal nurse: absolutely not
If my landlord would just take cat hair instead of money, I could pay for the whole year upfront.
me: i just quit cold turkey
turkey: *outside in the snow banging on window* please baby i can change
When they ask if you got a minute and then you sit and watch the typing bubbles for 15 min.
When my 3yo doesn’t take a nap someone always tells me, oh she’s gonna sleep good at night. It’s almost like they can’t feel the heat coming off the hell that’s about to unfold when I tell my 3yo it’s time for bed.