I’d never survive in Canada, it’s so cold so cold I’d ask random strangers to set me on fire
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Pooh on Cold Callers:
These are very kind people who call you to ask if you’ve been injured at work. They are so thoughtful they ring several times a day just to make sure you’re all right. I keep telling them I don’t know what work is but they still keep calling me anyway…
[date]
HER: So what’s your spirit animal?
ME: Roosters.
HER: Lol, why?
ME: *leans in close* I also start my day screaming.
[Jr. Biology class, girls in jumpsuits burst in]
OK, who’s ready for fun? We’re The Photosynthesisters & we’re gonna talk 2 U about PLANTS!
“Failure is how you grow.”
– my bathroom scale, picking the wrong motivational quote
RESUME HACK: Want to avoid the unpleasantries of listing your criminal record? Turn that weakness into a strength with “I’m a person of strong convictions.”
I wanted to do a sexy boudoir photoshoot for my boyfriend, but the radiologist had a totally different agenda
If we keep building giant walls at the border to Mexico it’s only a matter of time before natural selection gives us giant Mexicans.
The lead singer of Chumbawamba died earlier today. During his autopsy his body got knocked down…and that’s when things got interesting.
In an alternate universe, people in horror movies make fun of our choices.
boss: you’re late
me: and you are not the father
A friend of mine was telling me that his wife thinks he’s too impulsive. I told him, “What does she know, you only met her yesterday.”
I’m 37 and from the Midwest, every man I know is named Matthew, I’m going to need you to be more specific.
-Me when my mom say she saw Matthew today.
*Removes smoke detector battery
**Cooks in silence
This is a true ally.
[blood bank]
Doc inserts needle
[turns around]
YOU AGAIN!
[vampire sucking on tube like straw]
GO ON SCOOT
[chases him from room with broom]
“Hot, lo-cal singles in your area!”
– Diet ads for Cannibals
(friend who didn’t get invited on the blair witch project trip) ah jeez that’s awful. tragic. and you found all their footage? so did they ever like.. explain why they could only bring 3 people in a car that seats 4 or like
Get a tattoo with Chinese symbols that reads, “I don’t know. I don’t speak Chinese.” Wait for people to ask what your tattoo means.
why do mums always tell u stuff then say “don’t go posting anything on facebook” hun i haven’t posted anything since 2002 i highly doubt my comeback post is gonna be surrounding Sandra’s divorce
I told my mum at dinner that my daughter was talking in a made up language and my mum said all languages are made up and I dropped a potato
[driving]
WIFE: gross, did you see the roadkill back there?
ME [scared]: did i see the road kill what?
Wife: can you make the bed
Me, a failed carpenter: ok that’s low, Sharon
Once I get this cortisone cream on it’s gonna be all over for you itches.
[day 1]
hello, world
[day 2]
bit less wobbly today
[day 7]
making other deer friends. getting funny looks tho
[day 26]
turns out i’m a hippo
Stop making fast and furious movies.
If anyone is living vicariously through me, you just bought yourself Flintstones chewable vitamins.
GPS: We have arrived at the bank.
Me: Okay, great.
GPS: There are no cops within eight minutes of the bank.
Me: …What?
GPS: It takes three minutes to write a note and get to the front of the line.
Me: I’m not going to rob —
GPS: *Sigh* Fine. We never do anything fun
We live in a world where cartoons & other misc fictitious characters have their own Wikipedia pages.
But I’m the one that needs meds?
Me: *pushes chips forward* I’m all in.
Dealer: Sir, for the last time those are Doritos.