Thanks for telling me this is your “pet cat” because otherwise I might have thought it was your business associate cat.
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I feel most productive at work when I repeatedly click back and forth on the 18 tabs I have open and just know that the work is still there
If I don’t stick to my diet, people are going to start calling me the last chairbender.
Hubs: Hey, was that tweet about me?
M: No, they’re never about people I know.
*writes another tweet about him*
“I raised you better than that!!!!” you very obviously did not
love when my grandparents tell me the story of how they met and got together because suddenly I find myself googling things like “statute of limitations India” “how to report a crime from 1942” “can I report a crime in India if I live in America”.
I just put the crockpot on the counter.
Which is basically the Bat Signal for ✨starting tomorrow we’ll be eating the same thing for the next three days✨
Currently on minute 137 of Easy~Bake Oven cupcakes. I’ll be live Tweeting their status as they crisp up over the next day or two.
Boys will tell you “wow you sound like an Angel” and you’ll be blushing like werey. Instead of asking him when he don hear Angel voice before
[being haunted by the spirit of the man who invented the gif]
*extremely spooky voice* oooo I’m a jhost! Yes, it’s pronounced “jhost”
i’m lonely just not “inventor of the boomerang” lonely
[text]
Me: Where are you?
Boy: home
Me: Let’s verify that. You have 3 minutes to send me a photo of the inside of our freezer.
Thank god attorneys let us know they’re attorneys “at law” so we don’t assume they’re attorneys at garlic bread or something.
How about daylight saves us for once
Air conditioning so extreme, you could grow penguins in the living room.
I love the new #ObiWanKenobi poster but I also realized it totally works as a Tums ad.
The aliens only appear to people in the US because they’ve heard so much about its many hummus flavours
WIFE: Why are you wearing camo?
ME: Crap. You can see me?
WIFE: Put those cookies back.
When I die I want to be dressed like a scuba diver and placed on top of Mount Everest to confuse the climbers
So I climb a tree and scream and its an “issue” but cicadas do it and its a natural marvel. OK.
Certain people have been making very hurtful remarks about my choosing to wear mittens rather than gloves
But I don’t like to point fingers
no one:
my brain:
key largo montego
olivia rodrigo
My friend showed me how they fixed the water stain on the ceiling in their office.
I eat too much candy. I know this because my dentist plans his annual trip to Hawaii after my appointments.
When I tickle my imaginary friend, people think Im casting spells
best thing about being a parent is having to convince my kids to drink water, like I’m on the goddamn marketing team for something they need for survival
Rise and shine, people. It’ll be dark again in about an hour.
1st toddler: Here is a book you can look at.
2nd toddler: Here is a toy you can play with.
3rd toddler: Here is something you can break.
Him: I don’t think we should drink while we do yard work anymore
Me: *powerwashing the lawn* why not
A pet is a great way for kids to learn about death. For instance, I had a snake and that killed four of my friends.