😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭
You Might Also Like
“TGIM!” – My liver
I called someone persnickety today. He looked so taken aback. Some people can’t handle that kind of hip vibe & powerful sensuality I guess.
“I’m almost at the end of my childhood and pretty soon I’ll be a teenager”, my 6yo, trying to ruin my day, apparently
What’s the name of that Adam Sandler’s movie were he plays an immature adult?
Just threw out my back getting the cool side of the pillow and I’m pretty sure the cat is laughing at me.
[Beauty and the Beast, Tinder Edition]
BELLE: *swipes left*[credits]
Women are better than cake. You can have a woman and eat her too.
on a scale of 1 to eating cereal out of a bundt cake pan with a melon baller, how lazy are you about washing dishes on the weekends?
The only thing I’ve ever dropped at midnight is my standards.
At first I was afraid
I’d be electrified
I dropped a knife over my toaster now it’s trapped inside
& I spent oh so many minutes
Thinking how to right this wrong
The current’s strong
Will I be dead before too long?
people that say “on another note” probably use a lot of paper
Nobody said you have to like your colleagues.
But apparently there are some explicit rules about poisoning them.
“When you fall in love it burns and you die, right?”
Yes, son. Love is terrible.
“No Mom, I said LAVA.”
Oh. You maybe can survive that one.
Netflix to unveil new ad sponsored content in a move that industry executives call “Television.”
zookeeper: have you folks seen the lions yet?
me: no, not yet!
zookeeper : ok *starts sweating* well stay calm and let someone know if you do
“Mom?”
“Yes?”
“Are we having seafood for dinner?”
“No, why?”
“I heard Dad on the phone.”
“And?”
“He said that he picked up a case of crabs.”
[someone breaks into my house] excuse me, we take our shoes off in this house
I’m pleased to announce that I will continue using the word Kafkaesque to describe things, and I am proud of my commitment to never learn what it means.
Hey, girl at the gym that keeps moving to the opposite corner every time I get on the machine next to you, yes, I feel the chemistry too.
REMEMBER, if five people classify you as a “2,” technically, you are then a “10”…
Me: Why aren’t you in bed?
5: I need smooth jazz.
Me: Uh what?
5: I NEED YOU TO PLAY ME SMOOTH JAZZ!
Me: Excuse me, may I have a straw please?
*entire restaurant gasps*
My wife took me to the most amazing 3D movie I had ever seen last night. Half way through it I realized: we were at a play.
Person: “Why are you wheelchair bound?”
Me [from my wheelchair]: “To even the playing field for everyone else.”
I was just talking about how stupid it is that we don’t use the metric system like the rest of the world! 😂😂
Boss [handing me a memo that says N O T I C E at the top]: Have you seen this yet?
Me: Yep.
Boss: What do you think?
Me [giving the memo another feel]: Haha it definitely isn’t.
WHAT YOU SAY: Hi, my name’s Timothy but you can call me Tim
WHAT I HEAR: Hi, my name’s [DEAFENING STATIC] but you can call me ‘mate’ until one of us leaves this job
“Honey?! What did you feed him? His poop is huge … and green!”
[the first of many struggles that Bruce Banner’s parents faced]
I don’t need TV dramas, I just need Amazon product reviews
“Your name?”
“Annie, R.U.O.K
“Annie, R.U.O.K?”
“R.U.O.K, Annie”