Today is my favorite holiday of all. Happy I swear this top fit two weeks ago! to all who celebrate
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It’s been 0 days since a member of family who claims to love me unplugged my phone to charge their own device.
You know you’re getting older when the person telling you to slow down is you’re doctor, not a cop.
[leans over to kid watching Planet of the Apes in the theatre]
Call them monkeys one more time & see what happens.
I’m just here to make bad decisions, not explain them
Really had myself thinking I was doing ok financially until I went shopping for a couch.
*getting murdered*
WAIT!!!!!!!
*buys new underwear and put them on.*
*flosses*
*sets phone on fire*Okay, proceed.
Boss: Are you high?
[Me watching him evaporate] I hope so.
No, Grandma. Still not married; but the lady in the Popeye’s Chicken commercials keeps calling me “Honey” so we’ll see where that goes.
My wife said she wanted to do it missionary style, so I forced her to change religions and gave her smallpox.
In case you don’t watch Crime TV let me just tell you, if you’re going to commit a crime don’t take your cell phone with you.
WIFE: The police are at the front door
ME: *hiding a bag of donuts* Do they look mad?
Cat: I am a MAJESTIC POWERFUL creature of the night
Me: I will call you Mr Fuzzypants
If you have a headache, do what it says on the aspirin bottle: Take two, and KEEP AWAY FROM CHILDREN.
Married With Children is a hilarious sitcom until you’re 35 and realise it’s a chilling documentary.
My million dollar invention is a microwave that stops beeping when you yell, “I hear you!” from across the house.
I always hear people bragging about weightlifting. In my opinion, if I have to grunt to pick something up, it can just stay where it is.
We are watching “It” from last year and not for nothin’ but Pennywise is mostly very bad at his job.
I’m on a 2 hour long call where one lady keeps cleaning her throat, and some guy keeps saying “meat in” instead of meeting, and I just want to catapult myself into the sun
I once saw a man walk barefoot across hot coals, and I thought, wow, he could’ve just walked around those. Idiot.
[blood bank]
Doc inserts needle
[turns around]
YOU AGAIN!
[vampire sucking on tube like straw]
GO ON SCOOT
[chases him from room with broom]
HEY CALEB- YOUR COW IS INFERTILE AND YOUR SISTER LIKES DANCING.
-Amish trash talk
VERY ANNOYED. My enemy keeps playing Hulk Hogan’s theme song b4 I enter rooms. People then expect Hulk Hogan & are disappointed when it’s me
Doctor: You have to eat healthier
Cannibal: [starts eating vegans]
Whoever stacked these books is both evil and hilarious.
*receiving flowers
I don’t know why people act so surprised when I fold them and put them in my purse.
A haiku to my boss who asked me to work this weekend:
Ha ha ha ha ha
Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha
Ha ha ha ha no
I’ve been shelling pistachios for 3 hours now, I have 9.
I would do anything for love. But I won’t do that. Or that. That’s not looking good either.
Thinking about that time I used a pic of katy perry as my avi and a dude got so mad that I wasn’t actually katy perry that he called me a catfish and blocked me. Wonder how he’s doing now
a potato meteor that cooks itself as it hurdles toward the earth and lands on your plate hot and ready