I had a really good charcoal fire going and now there’s nothing grillable left in the house.
You Might Also Like
Robert, you forgot to shut the window. That baby flew in, again
So what do you do for a living?
“I’m in the Secret Service”
Wow, you didn’t keep that secret too well did you
Y’all. My kids are in the bathroom plotting to stay up until midnight and have NO CLUE I can hear EVERY word of their plan to “sneak into the pantry and eat a ton of sugar”🙄
To be continued…
8yo Me: *sneaks candy*
14yo Me: *sneaks cigarettes*
18yo Me: *sneaks alcohol*
43yo Me: *sneaks candy*Being an adult is stupid.
*at my funeral*
Friend crying over my casket: look they’re burying her in her favorite dress
Me, still dead: it haaasss pockets
How does North Korea only have four medals so far?
We’re the best at everything.
We even fed our athletes this time.
Wife and I got each others name tattooed on the other after we got married. Split up and I had it covered with another tattoo. Two years later got back together and I’ve not told her yet, she just thinks I sleep in a hoodie because I’m cold. Have to come clean soon.
Ok, I’m disowning my entire family so that means y’all are my family now!
…I’m gonna need a head count for Thanksgiving, ok?
Today is the three year anniversary of the time I dropped a hot dog and it got stepped on before I could retrieve it. Don’t talk to me about your suffering
Walnuts aren’t the same when they’re not surrounded by a brownie.
After my husband explained in detail what he does for work, my 6-year-old asked if he has fun at work so clearly he was not listening to a single thing my husband said.
If my husband asks, we took a lit course together in college
*Buys sugar-free cereal.
**Puts sugar on it.
[job interview]
“any public speaking experience?”
not since the valedictorian speech in high school
“very impressive”
I yelled ‘YOU SUCK’
Whoever named He-Man was doing the very least
I imagine by now all you Evian drinkers have read the name backwards?
Hello Twits.
hey sorry I missed your text, I am processing a non-stop 24/7 onslaught of information with a brain designed to eat berries in a cave.
5: Can you cut off the skin?
Me: What?
5: *holds up sandwich* the skin
M: The crust?
5: yeah
M: No, and you sound like a serial killer.
I like washing dishes by hand because it relaxes my mind, plus you can use the steak knives to play Wolverine.
5 year old: Mommy, I traded 31 emeralds for 41 bread!
Me: Cool! I just did that at Whole Foods
Boyfriend’s on the phone talking to a guy about lattes and his love of peach scones.
I’m on the couch wondering when our periods synced.
I will love you ’til the end of time, or until my blood alcohol level normalizes, whichever comes first.
Oh, so when other ppl call their pets “fur baby” its fine but when I call a kid a “skin dog” somehow I’m “disgusting” and “the worst pediatrician in this hospital”??
It’s fucked up that probably everyone believes their pets share their political views
Considering “Thank You” cards are a thing, I’m going to invent “No, thank YOU!” cards and people will send them back and forth forever.
The good news: work is picking up
The bad news: work is picking up
[having sex]
ME: sex sounds
PARTNER: are you saying “sex sounds”
Gave money to a homeless man. A stranger lectured me on how he’s just going to spend it on drugs and alcohol..
Yeah, OK. Like I wasn’t.
me logging onto twitter