My kid has been not so subtley asking when April 1st is for the last three days and I am afraid to get out of bed
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I turn my phone off overnight. A 3am text either means bad news or drunk people, and both make more sense in the morning.
I had a dream that I was making an offer on a house and it came with 12 kids. I asked the owner “why aren’t you taking all your children?” She replied “I don’t like them.”
I thought dreams weren’t supposed to make sense.
I knew joining a gym was a bad idea when I got there and needed help pulling the door open.
Relationship status~ Siri saw my browser history & now she isn’t talking to me either
*Pulls up to drive-thru window*
“Extra toilet paper please”
Do you mean napkins?
“Sure, whatever”
Don’t you love it when you’re doing a nude selfie in a leather harness and you accidentally press answer on your mom’s face time?
I mowed the grass before a huge storm, and now my wife gets to hear me say “Good thing I mowed when I did!” all weekend
OMG I BOUGHT A MASK AND A GUN AND NOW EVERYTHING IS FREE
Lady paid me $50 to paint the name “Inspiration” on her boat because “that’s what she is”
Considering writing “The Sea Word” instead.
Me: *taking a pee*
Urologist: put that back
Satan: And this is the TV room.
Me: This isn’t so bad. *turns on TV*
*only thing showing is golf*
me: today I made asphalt, mixed paint and got zoning approval
date: that seems like a lot
me: parking garage actually
date: what
me: what
Someone told me I was “good people” and I replied “OMG you can hear them too?”
Guys criticizing women’s pics on here are like, “yes, you’ve laid a fully cooked banquet in front of me — but that roast is a little overdone, I’ve seen better in a cookbook once”
My kid threatened to hold her breath until I gave her dessert. Now she’s a pearl diver in the Philippines & can afford her own damn dessert.
My kids are always accusing me of having a “favorite child” which is ridiculous because I don’t really like any of them.
*holding cardboard sign by intersection*
NOT POOR JUST ON MY WAY TO BREAK DANCING SCHOOL
What idiot called him Steve Jobs instead of Mac Daddy
You can tell Charles Manson really loves his fiancée by the way he hasn’t murdered her.
Kids, if you want to succeed in journalism the way to do it is to suck at your job in a way that’s useful to rich people
There are 4 stages in life
1)You believe in Santa Claus
2)You don’t believe in Santa Claus
3)You are Santa Claus
4)You look like Santa Claus
doctor: i’m afraid i have some bad news
me: better than having fox news 😉
doctor: hahahaha 🙂
me: i’ll be here all week haha 🙂
doctor: haha give or take
[When Harry Met Sally, 1989]
HARRY: Hey
SALLY: Sup
*roll credits*
When everybody knows my name I’ll find a new place…
“I have a favourite hole”, me, at the pool table.
I wonder if pigs ever laugh so hard they say words.
“This isn’t my first rodeo.” He said, confidently. “Now help me get on this pointy cow.”
Meditation is fun when you want to do nothing for an hour but still feel a sense of accomplishment.
the prime minister is a minister that is not divisible by any other minister
Take your ex out tonight (one bullet oughtta do it)