11: Look mom, I attached my iPad to my bicycle handles with elastic bands. Isn’t it great?! So now when I ride I can watch something!
*pauses, I can see she’s thinking*
Actually maybe I won’t do this because it sounds like a good way to die?
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My… My daughters built a slug hospital and found 30+ “patients” who are now escaping and nothing in the parenting books prepared me for this.
Do dogs understand elevators or are they just like ok it’s time to get into the world changer
Me [cracking open a beer]: Man, what a rough day.
Wife: IT’S 8 AM
Waiter: I see that your glass is empty, would you like another one?
Me: Why would I want two empty glasses?
#WaiterJokes #RubbishJokes #Puns #DadJokes
Fox Mulder, age 6: *looks under pillow* MOM! IT DISAPPEARED!
Mom: the Tooth Fairy took it, dear
Fox: you mean… the tooth is out there?
The Sims fulfills the millennial fantasy of being able to afford a house in a walkable neighborhood on the salary of a professional carrot peeler.
a group of ocelots is called an awfelot
IKEA assembly instructions should come with a glossary of Swedish swear words.
Scientists: You’re all going to die. The Earth is doomed. Life is pointless.
Also: We spent millions on a woolly mammoth meatball no one can eat.
My nephew, who’s about to turn 9, has asked for only one thing for his birthday: a clown ventriloquist puppet. In other news, I told my sister I’m no longer available for babysitting
pretty disappointing remote islands don’t control other islands.
Woman at drive-thru just called me “honey.” Headed home to tell my wife to take a god damn hike.
Shazam but for telling you the name of someone who’s only just been introduced to you 5 minutes ago but you weren’t listening.
when i find out there’s a cat at the party but they’re locked in the bedroom
You seem like the type of person I might give my heart to, but as nervously as I’d be watching a drunk holding a newborn.
“I’m gonna make a cool new social media site for college kids, but only for a few years. Then it’ll be a mom scrapbook” ~ Mark Zuckerberg
I think my cleaning people are stealing my paranoia medication.
Cat toys that look like actual mice are going to be the reason for my heart attack
Husband and I just heard a noise. Neither of us feels like investigating so we just said See ya on the other side.
I want whatever ice cream is most popular served at my funeral bc I think it would be funny to see a bunch of adults eating ice cream cones but really sadly
“I don’t see race.” -Russian guy in the back row of a NASCAR event
One of the downfalls of sleeping with a fan and then the power going out is your kid asking what that weird noise is and it’s just you breathing normally.
[poker night with the boys]
wife: *on the phone*: I’ll be home soon, need anything?
m: yes please, chips and beer
w: ok. winning?
m: all pants are off
w: you meant bets, right?
m *neatly folding my jeans*: I know what I meant
My friends are fully aware that our designated meeting times are rough estimates.
Imagine you get murdered and some girl skips your episode of forensic files because it’s boring.
[speed dating]
Her: Nice to meet you
Me [on meth]:
I HAVE MISUNDERSTOOD THE SITUATION
I’m working out again in hopes that I can wear my superhero shirt in public without someone saying, “Batman really let himself go”.
Anxiously sneaking to use a pen that my daughter has strictly forbidden me to touch shows exactly who’s in charge of this house.
Don’t open any messages you get from me. I’m not hacked, I’m just really mean