I may not be a victoria secret model but I do like to wear a somewhat of a matching pyjamma set in case a robber breaks in and decides to critique me on my sleeping attire.
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what idiot named them jet skis instead of boatercycles
Do you ever wake up, kiss the person sleeping beside you and feel glad to be alive?
I just did and I won’t be allowed on this airline again
Sorry I was late. I was trying to explain to my son how an octopus has 8 legs but not 8 feet.
I’m going to use colored chalk for your outline.
Husband: …
HR is giving me a hard time because I’ve been starting all my work emails with:
Dearly Beloved
The Apple Watch may become so addictive it keeps people from looking at what’s truly important in life, like their iPhones.
How many calories are in Twitter beef?
Sure, I’m on the keto diet.
The keto my happiness is carbs.
I switched from coffee to orange juice and told my doctor I felt better. He said it’s the vitamin C and natural sugars but I think it’s the vodka
My fridge just screamed “OH JESUS, WHAT NOW?” at me as I opened its door.
“Oh, you decided to close your bedroom door with me on the outside? Allow me to sing you the song of my people.”
-my cat
I asked the Librarian if she had any books about Paranoia?
She leaned over and whispered “they’re right behind you … ”.
Like sure, yes. Encouraging independent play is good for a kid’s development but like…these people sound like they just want to leave their babies in the wilderness for the wolves to raise
i like my men like i like my coffee, secretly alcoholic.
Quarantine Day 31: I joined a Facebook group where we all pretend to be ants in an ant colony
I would’ve thrown a coin in the water fountain and wished for all the money in it, but I just waited ’til it was dark instead.
BOSS: I’m sorry mike, but you’ve been downsized
ME: (75% of my original size, in a voice 125% higher pitched) ahh maaan
[interview]
“Any special talents?”
I can unlock any fingerprint reader
“By hacking?”
[flashes back to hacking off victims’ fingers] Yes
DJ: WAVE YOUR HANDS IN THE AIR LIKE YOU JUST DON’T CARE
*crowd nervously looks at each other
*meek yet courageous man steps up
M: No.
Me: I’m depressed
Doctor: I’m going to inject you with dog DNA
Me: How will that help?!
Doctor: Who’s a good boy?
Me: I AM
What is this alien looking thing in a wig trying to sing?
Oh wait thats Nicki Minaj.
Why would an alien in a wig pick Nicki Minaj as a name?
Gentle reminder that you forgot to lock your door and I am in your living room
[party]
friend: that piñata you picked out looks so lifelike
piñata: *struggles against ropes*
FASHION BOSS: any new ideas?
ME: how about a shirt with a hat
F: so a hoodie?
M: I call it a shat and as I say it out loud I hear my mistake
I taught my 1yo how to turn on my mother-in-law’s dishwasher since she only uses it for storage.
*waves arm in the direction of the lake*
One day, all this will be yours.
12: Are you threatening to drown me?
Me: Just make your bed, k?
Entrepreneurs will work hard and put in 120% for years only for one article to tell you that their secret is that they do yoga at 4.30am 🙄🙄🙄
if u propose to your partner at my wedding i am shooting you with a gun
Jeff is here!
“Jeff from work or Jeff the guy who announces his arrival anytime he enters a room”
Jeff is here!
ME: You wanna redeem your anniversary present?
WIFE: The “One Free Naughty Massage” coupon?
ME: Yup. *winks*
WIFE: Sorry, I re-gifted it.
ME: You what? To who?
WIFE: I forgot someone’s birthday, and I panicked.
ME: TO WHO?!?
WIFE: You may get a weird call from my mom.